CYG – Day 4

CYG – Day 4:  Light & Dark

This is an interesting topic for me because it’s something that I deal with daily between Benny and Fletcher.  I’ve written before that I don’t know where one begins and one ends sometimes.  I think any parent that has a child of one gender and then goes on to have another probably confuses the memories, calls the child by the wrong name, etc.  What makes it even harder is the resemblance between the boys.  When Darcy was born she had black spiky hair and looked like Parker (obviously that changed), but both boys came out blonde and looking like Darcy and I.

Benny’s a little older than Fletch in the photos, but the resemblance is there.  My mother in law had a photo at her house and Parker and I weren’t sure which child it was.  I’ve decided this is a good thing and to go with it.  Fletch certainly has his own (whiny) personality that sets him apart from his brother.

There are days when it’s hard though, when I’m exhausted and covered in spit up and I think to myself, my goodness, would we be dealing with this infant stuff again if Benny were here?  Would we really have had more kids?  It’s hard not to get really angry in those moments, to not think we’d past all of this and dealing with 3 year old stuff instead.  I’m being brutally honest here.  Now, I would never wish that Fletch wasn’t here and after all that we went through to have him, I know how lucky that we are.  Those moments are rare and fleeting, and I wish it wasn’t always one or the other, but that we could have them both here together.

This is my dark.  My one or the other.  It sucks.  I could never choose between my boys, I love them both so much.  It was never my choice in the first place.  Some days it feels like a choice though.  When I realize that the day has passed and I haven’t spent any real time thinking about Benny, but I spent the whole day with Fletch.  The guilt is insane.  I haven’t been to the cemetery since Fletch was born.  I’m working on figuring out how to have both exist in my life.  It’s this weird balancing act that always seems out of whack.

Fletcher is my light, he is my happiness and my hope.  I would do anything in the world to see him smile or get a chuckle out of him.  There is nothing that I love more than to snuggle that little man or see him interacting with Darcy.  He has brought so much life into this family.  He has brought so much happiness into my life.

How do they coexist together?  How do I grieve when I am so happy?  Anyone that thinks having another child after yours is deceased makes it easier is dead wrong.  It makes it complicated, because Fletcher’s life will always be intertwined with Benny’s death.  It’s so hard to grieve and feel joy simultaneously and that’s what I’m struggling with.