Deserving

A few weeks ago a friend told me that they deserved something because they work hard.  This got me thinking very hard about that word.  Deserve.

So, if you work hard in life, do you deserve success and wealth?  Is it automatically assumed that you should have this in your life?  I’m pretty sure that’s how I felt before the accident that took my son’s life.  It made sense to me.

Now, take the same same word and apply it to my life.  Did I deserve to lose my child?  Did I do something so terrible in my life that I’m being punished?  Based on my original statement, it would seem yes.  Does everyone who has garnered a hardship deserved it?

Deserve is just another word for entitlement to me now.  Life does not owe you anything, because clearly if it did, I would be in line waiting with open palms.  The means don’t justify an end.  There is no guarantee that if you do things a certain way that you will achieve the desired results.

The lense through which I view the world has changed.  So much frustration I can now look at candidly.  I have also learned that even the best laid plans fall apart and it’s good to be flexible.

It’s amazing what perspective you can learn about life through grief.  This is the first time, probably ever, that I have been able to spend so much time with myself really looking at my life.  It’s terrifying and amazing all at once.  There are so many changes I want to make.

Maybe once I’m able to fully let go of the entitlement notion and see things for the randomness that they truly can be, it will be even clearer.  I’ll just keep muddling through this path that I’m.