For weeks now, things have been going wrong. Ok, that’s an understatement. They’ve been going terribly wrong. I cannot begin to explain the amount of stress happening in our lives right now, both personally and professionally. I just want to scream ‘Uncle!’ so that I can maybe get a break already.
I won’t bore you with the details but it has to do with moving, taking over another business and having a baby all within the last month. The easiest part of all has been the baby, believe it or not. She is the calm in the midst of our storm.
My husband and I want to kill each other all of the time because, well, stress. The kids are dealing with a new sibling and a move gone so wrong and all of the uncertainty of our lives right now. There has been a lot of crying and acting out and not just from the kiddos. We’re all just a little maxed out over here.
But every time someone asks how we are, or says they don’t know how we’re doing it, I put on my brave face, shrug my shoulders and say, ‘we’ve been through worse’. It’s true. We have. There’s not much worse than losing a child and all of the hopes and dreams that go along with their future.
It’s given us perspective on how bad things can get and how quickly they can go wrong. I always remind myself when I start to freak out that it isn’t as bad as losing our son. I punish myself, feel guilty for getting frustrated or upset at the way life is going. It could always be worse.
I need to stop this. I’m being unfair to myself and my emotions. Yes, in all reality things could be worse than they are now for us. But that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t allow myself to be pissed off or upset when things go wrong. I need to stop the comparison and just dive in and own what I feel.
I need to stop feeling guilty about being sad or upset if something goes wrong. Life, outside of grief, can still suck! It’s ok to feel that way. Guilt be damned!
Today I realized how true this is and I’m done. I want to scream out loud that it’s ok for me to admit that it sucks right now. I want to own it and cry and yell until I have it out of my system. Until I feel ok about it. Until the guilt is gone. Until I allow myself to be able to feel emotions outside of my grief and realize that that too is ok. That it’s part of my path. I have to stop letting the grief define me and instead begin to define the grief.