Child Loss – Page 13 – Sunshine, Angels and Rainbows

I Said It

A week or so ago I had a doctors appointment. I was sitting down with the nurse and an intern to go through the normal ‘stuff’ and she and I were chatting. I had seen her at the doctor’s several times and we had always exchanged pleasantries.

She asked me how many children I had. My normal answer is to say that I have a daughter. This time I said that I have two and I held my breath to see where the conversation would go. She asked how old and I told her that Darcy had just turned six. I then took a deep breath and said that I had a son and that he had passed.

The intern kept doing what she was doing, completely unfazed, but the nurse stopped and looked at me. She asked if I had just said that my son had passed and I told her yes, he had. She looked at me and said she was sorry and I kept waiting for ‘the look.’ What happened next took me by complete surprise. She told me that she had lost one of her daughters 2 years ago. She was one of ‘us’, she got it. She talked about her daughter and I talked about Benny.

I wanted to give this woman a hug, she had just made the first time that I really told a stranger about Benny pretty damn easy. I was sad for her too though. Here was this woman that I had talked to several times, never knowing that she knew all too well my pain. We’re everywhere, moving forward through life, even though we don’t want to.

This moment brought me up short. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so alone. It was like the hospital all over again. Another stranger reaching out and making it ok for us. I truly believe that Benny was all over this too.

1 Year ‘AA’

I cannot believe that I’m even writing these words. I cannot even begin to wrap my head or my heart around the fact that I have lived a year without my son. They are words that I wish on no one, yet over the year I have met far too many other grieving moms.

So, one year. There are so many things that I could write about here, but I want to write about Bennett. I want to share him. I want the world to know the amazing little man that stole my heart.

He was only 17 months. It’s hard to write the word ‘only’ when you consider how large his personality was. This kid was all Fletcher, he was social, outgoing, engaging, flirty, he just had a presence. Benny would walk into a room and it was hard not to be drawn him. He was so charming and charismatic, he was like a gravitational force. I often feared for the poor ladies once he was older. At Parker’s Open House last year he was walking around and shaking people’s hands. Perhaps he would have been a politician.

Every parent says that their child is smart, but Benny truly was. We tried signing with him because it had worked so well with Darcy. For whatever reason, he would have none of it, and started talking, a lot. At 17 months he was already saying mama, dada, i love you, wash, that, cat, dog, Packard, no, more, yes, milk, San, Darce, Evie, Huntah, auntie, truck, car, I can keep going. His language and ability to communicate completely amazed me. He was already beginning to potty train because he wanted to be like his big sister. His motor skills were unmatched too. He was climbing slides (or pretty much anything I suppose) and for a boy, had a great amount of luck at not getting hurt. He had incredible balance and perception of what he was capable of. If he thought that it was too big of a risk, he typically wouldn’t take it. He had self preservation, which is saying a lot for a boy!

Benny was pretty even tempered, but when he got mad, watch out! He would throw the biggest fits, throwing him self on the floor and banging his head. It was rare when it happened, but when it did, he would go full boar. It was probably one of the funniest things that I have ever seen. The week of the accident, the kids were in the bathroom with Parker brushing their teeth. Darcy pushed him out of the way and went to get onto the step stool and turned and bit her in the stomach-it drew blood. He wasn’t one to be pushed around.

He loved his sister. Besides the biting incident, the two of them got along like nothing I’ve ever witnessed in siblings before. I think it was because Darcy is so Type A and Benny was very go with the flow. He was also her comedian. Whenever they were together she was usually laughing at his antics. They were yin and yang. Darcy loved to have blankets on the floor, Benny quickly began laying on them and Darcy would pull him around the house, laughing at him. He was crazy. She spent so much of her time with him hysterically laughing and he would just keep performing. They were perfectly matched.

He loved cars and anything mechanical. I would pick Benny up from Sandy’s at the end of the day and we would head over to Parker’s shop to pick up Darcy. Well, of course he would have to get out and either run around with tools or get in the cars. He spent hours in that shop observing and was already grabbing the shifter, turning the wheel and looking for the keys. He would get angry when I tried to pull him away from the cars. He had a love like his fathers.

He was very musically inclined. He loved to go into the basement and play the drums. Before the accident, Parker had spent some time working with him on some beats that he actually picked up. He was drawn to our organ and any of the kid pianos that we had. Music and dance was his thing.

He was my love. At night, he would go into his room and grab his blanket and paci and climb up into the rocker to read books. He would settle in so quickly and was such a cuddler. I miss the feel of him in my arms at night and his breath on my chest in the morning.

I miss him everyday. It hurts so much to know that he’s gone, but it hurts worse to forget him. I’m sure that there are a million other great memories and I invite anyone to share. He was one incredible dude and I was so lucky to have him.

Love

Sun

I’m trying, I truly am. It feels weird to post such an optimistic phrase during such a terrible week. First anniversary of Benny’s death.

How did we get here already? It seems like moments and decades combined into one. Has it really been a year since I held him? That seems almost impossible. It seems almost impossible that any of this has truly happened.

I remember this week a year ago. I remember going to a work dinner on Tuesday night and talking to the kiddos on the phone. It was the first time that Benny really talked to me on the phone, he really got it. He told me goodnight and that he loved me. I was so excited, as he had never done that before.

I remember spreading out in the basement with Darcy to work on her invitations for her birthday on Thursday night. There was mo way that we could do them upstairs because Benny would have gotten involved and glitter and 17 month olds just don’t mix.

I remember running to Old Navy on Friday morning to pick up some gifts for Darcy. Benny was flirting terribly with the girl behind us in line. There was so much Fletcher in that little body.

I remember going to the bouncy house place and habing a blast. It was mommy and Benny time. He was so rough, all boy.

And that’s where I’ll stop. I don’t forget what happened next, I never will. I remember that Benny lived. Right now, that’s all that matters.

Saturday is going to suck, there’s no way around it, we have to go through it. I’m going to try to focus on his life, not his death (if thats possible). I feel like we’re going into battle with the unknown. I suppose that’s what this whole first year has been about though. Battling the why’s and the how’s.

So I’m going to try very hard for sunshine. The shadows haven’t gotten me anywhere in the past. We have a lot of sunshine in our lives and we are surrounded by so much love that keeps us going. Thank you for that.

Our Last First

Yesterday was our last first. The last holiday that would be our first without Benny.

It was hard to see the little ones walking door to door as our big one raced around the neighborhood. Thank god for Lyla and her too big box. She needed a hand to hold to walk up the steps. We got to help a little one. Maybe that’s why it didn’t hurt so much.

It’s contagious when the kiddos are that excited. No matter how bad you feel, it’s hard not to get excited with them. It’s hard to stay sad.

We made it through a year of firsts. Where did the year go? How did we get back here so quickly? How did we keep going?!?!

I cannot believe it.

1 Million Thanks

The Greg Hill Foundation has raised and donated over $1,000,000 to local families in need since 2010. 114 families, 6600 donors, a lot of amazing people. We are humbled to be a part of this family. A million thank yous to every person that has donated and to the crew over at GHF.

Day 29 – Reflect

My relationship with grief? Hmmm…I wish that I didn’t have one. I wish that it didn’t take over every facet of my life and my identity. I wish that November 8th, 2013 was like any other day. Except it’s not.

It’s as if someone threw a boulder into a lake that started a huge ripple effect. I hate what it’s done to me and my family, it’s made my life small, it’s made me small. I still feel such indescribable anger. I want to lash out at the Universe that did this to us. I’m mad, sarcastic and apathetic most of the time. It’s gross.

I’m sad, a lot. I still cry, a lot. I beg for this all to be a horrible dream. I miss Benny so much some days that it’s like a physical pain. I want him back so badly.

I’m hopeful. It might seem kind of odd to say that, but it’s who I am. I have this intense desire to always make the best of everything (even I cannot make a ‘best’ out of losing my son). I’m hopeful that I get to spend the rest of my life with Parker, watching Darcy grow up. I’m hopeful because we live in a world of ‘Greg Hills’ and ‘Pebbles & Polka Dots’ and all of the other amazing people that have made it their mission to show us love and support.

I don’t truly know where I’m at in my journey. We are marching toward the one year anniversary and I still can’t even fathom that Benny’s gone. In May of 2015, he will have lived as long as he was gone. How did time pass like this? I didn’t notice.

Day 28 – Wisdom

Darcy with her Benny Dog

Our community started placing flowers and stuffed animals at the church across the street after the accident. Before the services, we had roughly 30-40 stuffed animals and tons of flowers. We let each of the children pick a ‘Benny’ stuffed animal to remember him by. This is Darcy with her Benny dog. She sleeps with him every night and hugs him close.

Day 27 – Express

I’m only 27 days into this project and it feels like the load that I’ve been carrying has gotten a little lighter. I might never have written about some of the suggested topics myself or thought to explore them. Sure, I go to therapy and sure I write about a myriad of topics here, but being able to focus on a different aspect each day has been truly helpful. I’m enjoying this project and I’ll be sad to see it go at the end of the month.

The timing couldn’t have been better as we are coming so close to the one year mark. I’m still trying (and failing) to wrap my head around that. How has it almost been a year already? Honestly, where did the time go? If it weren’t for Darcy finishing kindegarten and moving onto first grade, I wouldn’t have a way to measure it. Regardless of if I want it to or not, time is moving forward.