Child Loss – Page 9 – Sunshine, Angels and Rainbows

To My First Born Son

Dear Benny,

You are a big brother! You have an incredible little brother that I just wish so much that you could meet. I know that you had some part in bringing him into our lives and I’m so thankful for that.

Before he was born I was so focused on how hard it would be to have another baby, another boy. I was so worried about what stuff of yours I could reuse, what clothes, toys, what to do with your room. I was so concerned that I would have a hard time bonding with the new little guy. What if something happened to him to? How would I ever pick up the pieces again? I was so scared of how much he could look like you. How would I deal with that?

Now that he’s here, there is happiness again. I remember how easy it is to fall in love. I’m surprised at how quickly it happened, how intensely we are bonded. I think that is because I know that he is a part of you, Darcy and Parker. I’m so lucky to have Fletcher in my life and so surprised by how much love I feel. The clothes, the room, it’s all secondary, I will figure it out. Yes, he does look like you, a lot. The resemblance is so incredible that there are times when I hold him and I forget where he starts and you end. There are moments when I feel sent back in time to when you were a baby and we were all so happy. I get glimpses of how it used to be and I have to ask myself, did it all really happen? It’s confusing and makes me feel so guilty because I never want to downplay the fact that you were here. Right now it’s just hard to distinguish between my two little guys. He certainly is mouthy and much larger than you were and I know that he will be his own person in time.

It’s hard not to wonder if he will be more like you or more like Darcy. You were our carefree, loving life little guy. Darcy is so obsessive and serious sometimes that I forget that she’s only 6. I hope that he loves the cars like you and Daddy.

Now that he’s here, I wish that you were here more than ever. That happiness that I talk about, it’s an incredible feeling, but fleeting when I realize that you’re not here to share it with us. You would be 3 now and I’m sure a handful. I would probably be overwhelmed with 3 of you, but that’s how my life usually is.

I wish that you were here to add to the chaos. I wish I was telling you to be quiet because the baby is sleeping. I wish that I could have all of my children together in one place. I wish that we could take a family picture or go on a family vacation, all of us. There’s such an enormous piece of our puzzle missing. I wish you were here.

Love, Mommy

17 Days of Benny – Day 17

Day 17-Month 17:

Mid September through November 2013 seems like a blur. We got into the routine of school for Darcy, I was working part time and things were picking up at the shop for Parker. We were constantly going. Darcy was enrolled in dance on Monday nights, so Benny would accompany us and I would chase him around while Darcy danced.

Parker and I were gearing up to host the second Open House at the shop and had our hands full. The kids were involved in every aspect of it, cleaning the shop, getting stuff ready, etc. Of course Darcy was definitely more helpful than Benny. The day of the event, Benny owned it. He was walking around the cars, shaking peoples hands, he just wanted to be involved. He was my old soul.

We celebrated Benny’s second Halloween and he went around the neighborhood with us and the neighbors. He started out in the wagon, but wanted to be with the big kids, so of course, he ended up walking with us. It was a fantastic night and our last holiday as a family of 4.

Benny turned 17 months on October 17th. He was 9 days shy of being 18 months when the accident happened. Looking through all of these pictures and memories has been hard, but so truly amazing. I don’t like that the pictures stop. I know that he was only 17 months old, but my goodness it was a very busy 17+ months! He fit a lot of life and a lot joy into those months. He made our lives a crazy, chaotic place, one that I miss terribly. It’s too quiet now, there’s less laughter and noise. Darcy’s growing pains through all of this has been agonizing to watch. Trying to grieve alongside your spouse who is handling it differently has been hard. It’s amazing to me when I look back now how different life is in this aftermath. I miss my little man every single day.

17 Days of Benny – Day 16

Day 16 – Month 16:

There were lot’s of changes in our life come the September of 2013. Darcy had started Kindagarten at the end of August and was going 5 days a week. This was a big change for Benny and I because we were used to Darcy being home with us. All of a sudden he was bored with me. It was a tough transition for both of us because I was used to depending upon Darcy to help out too. We were missing her something fierce. It was the most amount of time that I had ever spent away from Darcy and it was really tough. We found that if we ran errands during the day, it kept us busy until it was time to pick Darcy up from school.

Benny would come with me to Darcy’s school when I dropped her off and picked her up. He would climb the stone wall and hold my hand and watch the big kids. The days that he was Sandy’s, I would pick him up on my way home and swing by the shop to get Darcy. Of course once we got there he wanted to get into every car and ‘drive.’ He took tools that were lying around that we would have to fight him for. Once he grabbed keys from Parker’s desk to try to unlock a door. He was so clever and never missed a beat.

His vocabulary was substantial for a child his age and so were his motor skills. He loved playing with toy cars and ‘vrooming’ them around. He never bothered with dolls or really any of Darcy’s ‘girly’ toys. This kid was all boy.

We also cut his hair for the first time. I just came across his beautiful blonde locks the other day in his bedroom digging through the baby stuff. Sandy had had it with me and started clipping his hair up and it was time. He just sat there as I trimmed and let me do my thing. I tried to keep the curls in the back and the front short, but once he started rocking a mullet, the curls had to go too. God I miss that hair.

17 Days of Benny – Day 14

Perhaps I need to finish my ’17 days of Benny’ blogging before the new dude will come. I need to get it all down before I start mixing everything up. It’s hard enough to differentiate what baby did what with just Darcy and Benny.

Day 14 – Month 14:

We did so many fun things as a family during the summer of 2013. The kids and I spent numerous hours outdoors in the backyard, taking walks and playing with the neighbors. Parker was traveling for a week in June, so it was just me and the kids and of course, Murphy’s law, everything went wrong. The basement flooded, the freezer stopped working and I think one of the cars died. We still had fun though going to the Holden pool with Benny in his pink life preserver, the library and playing outdoors. We certainly kept busy.

For the Fourth of July we went down to Plymouth for the fireworks with Tara and family. The house was on a lake and the kids spent time swimming (or floating in Benny’s case). We had pizza by the water and stayed up super late with the kiddos to watch the fireworks. They were so well behaved and I remember Benny playing with Ice from the coolers to keep busy. They loved the fireworks and I’m so glad that we kept him awake to see them. It was a fantastic day.

Benny was running around at this point, wreaking havoc. The messes that this kid created! He was so much work to chase around. He was a climber too, climbing up the small slide in the backyard and going down with little help. While Darcy was amused by him, the animals were not so much. Bailey pretty much stayed away, where as Toby has no common sense and would keep thinking that Benny was a safe bet.

17 Days of Benny – Day 13

Day 13 – Month 13

By the time Benny was 13 months old he was giving us a full on run for our money. He was completely mobile, standing, walking, it was like it all happened overnight. He was constantly climbing everything and anything that he could. He spent so much of his time trying to be like the big kids. His vocabulary was incredible for such a young guy. We tried signing, but he refused. We’re pretty sure that his first word was either ‘cat’ or ‘that’. It was hard to tell and he always pointed. Of course he said ‘Darc’ all of the time. He was a comedian and enjoyed entertaining all of us. It was so hard to get mad at him because he was so amusing.

Another Picture

Yep, pretty sure all this kidney business was Benny’s way of preparing us for a baby that looks just like him. We had our final (it better be!) ultrasound today and his kidneys are fine. Got some great shots though and the resemblance to us is uncanny.

17 Days of Benny – Day 12

Day 12 – Month 12

Benny turned one on May 17, 2004. We enjoyed our day as a family and Benny got to have his first taste of ice cream cake, judging by the pictures, it was very much enjoyed!

Benny's First Birthday — Benny’s First Birthday

He has a sweet tooth like Mamma. Parker, Darcy and I sat around laughing at the dude as he covered every inch of his face with cake.

The next day we had friends and family over for his party. Benny was overwhelmed with the amount of people and not at all in the mood. For such a social guy, he was clinging to Parker, Tara, Sandy and I. We did have a bounce house, which he loved, so that took some of the edge off. It was a beautiful, over the top day and I wouldn’t change a thing. It was the only birthday that we got to celebrate with our little guy and I will never forget it.

17 Days of Benny – Day 11

Day 11 – Month 11

So many things happened in Benny’s 11th month! He crawled, stood and walked-all in one day! Leave it to him to pull a fast one on us. He went from creeping to fully mobile overnight. The kid was a handful and I was starting to realize that he was going to be so much more work than Darcy as a toddler.

Darcy was definitely less willing to try new things like climbing, walking, etc. She was always more concerned with the environment around her. Benny on the other hand was ready to run out and conquer the world. The kid was a beast with an outgoing personality, ready to do everything his big sister was doing. Yet, he was so loving and snuggly.

We celebrated Benny’s first Easter when he was 11 months old too. He had an ear infection and was miserable, and teeth popping in everywhere, but entertained by his big sister and older cousins. It was a great day.

T Minus 3 Weeks

I am officially in the home stretch. I’m whale huge and uncomfortable and feel so unprepared for this new little one. I mean, clothes are washed and organized, diapers and wipes are purchased. The house is still construction chaos, but we are used to that by now. We only work well on deadlines.

I’m unprepared emotionally. I’ve had to go through all of the baby stuff again. Most of it was hand me downs or from Darcy, so I have to say it’s been fun seeing that again. The stuff that was truly Benny’s though, it sucks. A piece of me dies each time we come across his shoes, or his hats or his toys that have been away. I don’t even know where to begin with this stuff. His dresser remains the same, an untouched mausoleum to a 17 month old boy. I know it’s only things, but they were his things.

I’ve looked at this situation so much from Darcy’s perspective, but now as I get closer to holding this little man in my arms, I’m overwhelmingly sad for him. He will never know his older brother. They will never meet, besides my dreams. They will never play together, or laugh or argue. He will know him only through pictures and stories. I’ve thought so much about what Darcy lost, but never really much about what Fletcher will never know. I’m so sad for him.

I’m worried about how overwhelming it will be to hold Fletcher in my arms for the first time. I’m scared about being in a hospital setting for any of this. I truly hope that St. V’s will honor our wishes for a natural birth. I’m scared for all that could go wrong, even though I’ve had two perfect deliveries. There are no guarantees and that is what frightens me the most.

17 Days of Benny – Day 10

Day 10 – Month 10

By 10 months Benny was on the move! He was creeping all over the floor, cruising around in his walker and pretty much becoming a challenge. He was into everything!

Parker and I went away for a weekend ski trip with my company and Benny had his first baby-sitters, my cousin and her boyfriend. My easy going, pretty go with the flow dude was not happy to be away from Mom or Dad for 2 days and gave my poor cousin a run for her money. Darcy tried her best to help out, but Benny wasn’t having it. That’s when I first started to notice what a Momma’s boy my little man was.

Where Darcy didn’t cuddle until around 2, Benny was a little snuggle bug and would settle down each night with his paci, blanket and book and relax his little body into mine as we read and cuddled. When he was tired, he was more than happy to be in your arms calming down. For someone with so much energy, he certainly calmed down and fell right asleep, just like Parker.

In the morning, when he would wake up, he would let us know. Darcy was always happy to play with stuff in her crib and chat away for at least 45 minutes. Benny would whine the second his eyes opened. He would also just lay there and wait for you. He finally started sitting up and pulling up in his crib around this time. Still wasn’t happy to be alone and needed to be picked up or entertained by his big sister in his room. It was amazing to us how different he and Darcy truly were.