This is absolutely heartbreaking to watch. I know that Darcy was young when Benny died, but this is still so close to home.
Category: Sunshine
Darcy’s Song
I was thinking the other day about how many songs I was able to relate to Benny and his life and death. It really got me thinking. Does Darcy have a song? Is there something that stands out in my mind? Was there something that I used to sing to her.
This question plagued me for days. And then the other day ‘her song’ came on the radio. We were in the kitchen making dinner and I looked at her and said, ‘This! This is your song! This is what I used to sing to you when I put you to sleep!’ How could I ever forget?? Such an appropriate song if you know my daughter too!
Changes
A blog that started out all about my son’s death took on a life of its own and morphed into what it is today. After going back and reading through so many of my posts, I realized how many different topics I covered, other than just Bennett. His death was bigger than just him, it had a personal effect on his sister and future siblings. It affected my parenting. It affected my relationships with others.
It took me awhile to get the guts to change the format on here. I felt like I was possibly taking away from Bennett by changing the name of the blog. But it was time. Please bear with me as I try to categorize my posts into the three different pages that I have added;’Sunshine’ which is all about Darcy and how it has been raising a child after loss, ‘Angels’ which is dedicated to Bennett and miscarriage, and ‘Rainbows’ which is dedicated to Fletch my rainbow baby.
The format will still be same, all of my most recent blogs can be found on the main page, ‘Sunshine, Angels and Rainbows.’ I’m hoping that by pulling past blogs into the other pages by category, it will be easier to click-through than by how it’s set up by month now.
I have a lot of catching up to do writing wise too. There has been a lot going on that I haven’t quite found the words to move forward with yet and I’m trying to be sensitive. I’ll get there.
Hope the New Year has found you well.
Disney
Friends of ours offered us 4 tickets to see Disney on Ice this afternoon. I somewhat chuckled to myself as I pictured the shitshow that would ensue if we brought Fletch. I texted said friend and she told me to have Darcy invite a friend instead.
So off we went to enjoy the show. I was a little worried that the third grade girls might be ‘too cool’ for this whole thing, but soon enough we were all belting out Let it Go with Elsa! I was so happy!
Then I started thinking. This was probably it, the last time I would go to Disney on Ice because Darcy wanted to go. She’s growing up too fast and I can’t stomach it, but at the same time I love it.
We watched the little boys in front of us rocking out and going wild for Buzz Lightyear and it hit me that that fourth ticket could have been for Benny. He would have been 4.5, such a great age for the show. He would have loved it. He should have been there. He should be here.
Nearly 3 years. So much time gone, so much he missed. He would be so old now, already in Pre K. He would be a big brother. He would be a middle child. Lot’s of ‘would.’
I don’t give in to feeling sorry for us very often, but this sucks. Today’s realization sucked. He’s been gone nearly double the time that he was here and I can’t stand it. I shouldn’t have to.
Lot’s of ‘-un’s’ come to mind; unfair, unreal, unbelievable. The worst is undeniable because try as I might I cannot pretend that he isn’t gone or that he never existed. Because he was here and he was our Benny Bear. And I was so damn lucky that he was mine.
Getting Older
Today was a great day with my family. We carved pumpkins, watched football (yes, that’s very odd for us), worked on Halloween costumes and just spent time with one another.
This has been a rare day for us because Autumn was crazy. Parker traveled a lot for work, school started back up and so did dance, girl scouts, etc. I welcomed this opportunity to be home with my family.
Darcy and I ran to Target and AC Moore to get the finishing touches for her costume. We had to drive across the parking lot and she asked if she had to buckle up, to which I said yes. We had just recently talked about how her booster seat in the car isn’t going away just because she’s 8. She’s just as serious about vehicle safety as I am.
I swear, there are times when I can feel it coming, when I know she’s going to ask questions about the accident. It’s been nearly 3 years and it’s lessened some, but it still gets me every time. I cannot describe it, it’s like feeling a ghost, because I just know.
She asked if I remembered the accident as we drove across the parking lot. I told her yes, bits and pieces. She asked if Benny had been run over and I answered honestly. She said, ‘I thought so.’
She asked me if I dropped him. I tried so hard to explain that it wasn’t on purpose. At that point we were getting out of the car and she started to tell me how she would have held on tight and hopped out of the way. To passersby it probably looked like she was doing a dance as we walked into the store while she described how she would have handled it.
I forget she was only 4. She knew what we told her. She’s nearly 8 and has had plenty of time to process and look at the situation from her 8 year old perspective.
I looked at her and said,’I don’t think we ever told you, but the police came over to the house with my car and reconstructed the accident. They timed how long it would take the car to get from the top of the driveway to the bottom. It was 6-7 seconds. I ran and the car door hit me and knocked Benny out of my arms. There just wasn’t enough time to get out of the way.’
She got it. I think it gave her a clearer picture of what happened. Her response was, ‘oh, well yeah, a car is much heavier than you. And now you park the other way so it won’t happen.’
It just seemed like something clicked with her, that she had a better understanding. In that moment, she seemed so old. Here’s a little girl that believes in Santa and the Tooth Fairy, yet I felt like I was speaking to an adult.
I never really thought about her looking at our situation as she grew up. It must be like watching a movie as a child and then seeing it as an adult and being able to identify the adult humor or situations.
I’m glad that she is giving me the opportunity to speak frankly. I’m so happy to have open lines of communication with her.
I’m so lucky to have this child in my life. She carries our Benny memories with her. She’s what keeps us going, she’s what makes us want more of everything that life has to offer.
I’m Having A Moment…
Of utter and complete happiness. My daughter, my amazing daughter just found out she was cast as a mouse in the Nutcracker in the Hanover Theater. This is a big deal!
For weeks it was all that she could talk about. How she wanted to get a call back. I cautioned her that the competition would be fierce and told her that I was so proud of her for even trying out. I told her this was the first time she had ever done anything like this and tried to present realistic expectations.
Then tonight happened and we jumped on her bed and danced around her room. This little girl whose confidence used to worry me blows me away. I think back to 3 years ago, when her world fell apart and she was still so little learning the worst lesson about how unfair life is.
I remember the year and a half of therapy. I remember all of the tough questions and accusations. I remember the struggle with her and her peers. I remember how tough it has all been for her and how much it tore her down. Thinking of it all overwhelms me.
But today I look at that and I am floored by how confident this little girl has become. She didn’t get there alone. She is so very lucky to have some of the best, kindest and caring people in her life. Some of whom were strangers before Benny died and have become lifelong friends. Her aunties, her uncles, her cousins, her ‘San’s’ and her friends. She is where she is today because of them. Because these people have loved and supported her to no end.
It’s incredible to look at how far she’s come. I don’t often stop to think about it, because it’s so hard. Thank you to everyone that has helped to shape this confident little lady. I’m one proud mama tonight!
Communication
We are deep into the second week of school. Darcy has very hesitantly entered the third grade. I’m not sure how she grew up on me so quickly.
School scares me. She’s had good teachers and she’s had great teachers. She’s not just another kid in that classroom, but someone that needs extra attention. We’ve struggled with our love for school when her teachers just don’t get it and her emotional needs are not being met.
I understand that classroom sizes can be huge and with IEP’s and grading papers, there is a lot of work for teachers to deal with. What I don’t like is an unresponsive teacher and a child who doesn’t want to go to school. A child that I know is hungry to learn and create and become a part of her classroom community.
Darcy’s a great student, a huge classroom helper and takes direction well (from her teachers), so all that I ever hear is what a joy she is to have in class. She’s one of the easy ones and sometimes that causes her emotional needs to be overlooked.
So I am sitting here right now with the HUGEST feeling of relief because we are 8 days into the school year and I have heard from her teacher twice already. Nothing bad, just trying to test the waters and see where Darcy is at with things. There’s nothing better than knowing that she is willing to reach out at the slightest bit of trouble. This woman has no idea how much better I already feel about third grade.
And guess what? This must translate into her teaching style because Darcy is LOVING school! She comes home happy, excited to share stories and of course some drama from her day. She’s feeling confident again and it’s so nice to see her excited for school.
And all it took was a little communication.
10 Years
‘Parker, when I first met you, I knew that you would be a good friend, but I never dreamed that we would be standing here together 7 years later. I know that I’m the lucky one in all of this because I get to spend the rest of my life with you. You, who have become my very best friend and the one person that I know I can always trust in. You, my little Packard freak, that I’m so proud of.
I have never felt the way that I do today, a mixture of hope, excitement, love and happiness. Today is really about making new memories and reminiscing in the old. You are my future, my heart and my life and I have never been happier than I am at this moment right now. I love you and know that this is an amazing new beginning for both of us. I’m so lucky to have found my one true love.’
‘Sheryl, who ever thought that when I met you 8 years ago that we would be standing here today. You are the most generous, loving, caring, unselfish person I know. I promise to love you, respect you, laugh with you and cry with you. You are my best friend, my better half and from this day on we spend the rest of our lives together making memories of us.’
-Our Wedding Vows
Ten years ago Parker and I made promises to one another and shared our love with our friends and our family. We vowed to always be there for one another. We promised to love one another.
One of the last songs we played at our wedding was ‘Better Life’ by Keith Urban. When you get married you have these preconceived notions about how your life is going to be. Hell, as a child, I dreamed about this. Everything is always so perfect in your visions for the future. Sure you talk about ‘sickness and health’ and ‘better or worse,’ but on your wedding day you only expect positive things to happen in your future.
I never expected my future title to be ‘grieving mom’ when I wrote those words and made those promises. No parent does. I never expected the last 3 years of my marriage to be filled with PTSD, counseling and grief.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would have to call Parker sobbing uncontrollably and tell him to get home right away, that something horrible had happened. I didn’t expect that we would say good-bye to our little blue eyed angel just as his life was getting started.
We were numb for so long. Both of us just absolutely terriffied, looking to each other to make it better. Both suffering with PTSD, flashbacks and nightmares. Clinging to one another trying to figure it all out.
Parker would cry in the morning and I would cry at night. It worked for us for awhile. He wanted to be surrounded by Benny’s stuff while I needed it shut away, with a few minor exceptions. No two people grieve the same way.
With a ton of love and support, we survived that first year. Then the second. Then the birth of our second son.
Now it’s getting tough again as Fletcher creeps ever closer to eighteen months. How did time pass so quickly? How are we here again? How come he looks so damn much like his brother?
We are struggling. Parker handles things very differently that I’m comfortable with. We’re working on it. I guess that’s all we can do. That and hold our breath until we cross that eighteen month threshold. That’s marriage though, working through the tough times.
I read these vows now and I’m trying to remember those two people that wrote them. They had so much hope for this amazing life together filled with happiness. I miss them. I miss their innocence. More days are happy than not, but there are just some days that are tough. When just existing feels hard.
On September 1st, we celebrate 10 years as a married couple. I had no idea what the future held when we made those promises all those years ago. I don’t know what tomorrow brings for us and our family. I do know that I love that man more today than when I wrote those words. I’m lucky to still call him my best friend.
Anxiety
A friend shared this on FB. So much of it rang true for me and so mich of it used to be because I was ‘too busy.’
Now anxiety is different. It changes once you’ve lost a child. Now it centers on my children’s well being and less on me. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I care a little too much what people think. It’s just different now.
It’s the anxiety I used to have over the kids x 1,000. Mass shootings, bacterial infections, accidents, etc. My brain can come up with any set of circumstances.
It’mothering to exhaustion.
Sunshine, Angels and Rainbows 