child loss – Page 12 – Sunshine, Angels and Rainbows

17 Days of Benny – Day 14

Perhaps I need to finish my ’17 days of Benny’ blogging before the new dude will come. I need to get it all down before I start mixing everything up. It’s hard enough to differentiate what baby did what with just Darcy and Benny.

Day 14 – Month 14:

We did so many fun things as a family during the summer of 2013. The kids and I spent numerous hours outdoors in the backyard, taking walks and playing with the neighbors. Parker was traveling for a week in June, so it was just me and the kids and of course, Murphy’s law, everything went wrong. The basement flooded, the freezer stopped working and I think one of the cars died. We still had fun though going to the Holden pool with Benny in his pink life preserver, the library and playing outdoors. We certainly kept busy.

For the Fourth of July we went down to Plymouth for the fireworks with Tara and family. The house was on a lake and the kids spent time swimming (or floating in Benny’s case). We had pizza by the water and stayed up super late with the kiddos to watch the fireworks. They were so well behaved and I remember Benny playing with Ice from the coolers to keep busy. They loved the fireworks and I’m so glad that we kept him awake to see them. It was a fantastic day.

Benny was running around at this point, wreaking havoc. The messes that this kid created! He was so much work to chase around. He was a climber too, climbing up the small slide in the backyard and going down with little help. While Darcy was amused by him, the animals were not so much. Bailey pretty much stayed away, where as Toby has no common sense and would keep thinking that Benny was a safe bet.

17 Days of Benny – Day 13

Day 13 – Month 13

By the time Benny was 13 months old he was giving us a full on run for our money. He was completely mobile, standing, walking, it was like it all happened overnight. He was constantly climbing everything and anything that he could. He spent so much of his time trying to be like the big kids. His vocabulary was incredible for such a young guy. We tried signing, but he refused. We’re pretty sure that his first word was either ‘cat’ or ‘that’. It was hard to tell and he always pointed. Of course he said ‘Darc’ all of the time. He was a comedian and enjoyed entertaining all of us. It was so hard to get mad at him because he was so amusing.

Another Picture

Yep, pretty sure all this kidney business was Benny’s way of preparing us for a baby that looks just like him. We had our final (it better be!) ultrasound today and his kidneys are fine. Got some great shots though and the resemblance to us is uncanny.

17 Days of Benny – Day 12

Day 12 – Month 12

Benny turned one on May 17, 2004. We enjoyed our day as a family and Benny got to have his first taste of ice cream cake, judging by the pictures, it was very much enjoyed!

Benny's First Birthday — Benny’s First Birthday

He has a sweet tooth like Mamma. Parker, Darcy and I sat around laughing at the dude as he covered every inch of his face with cake.

The next day we had friends and family over for his party. Benny was overwhelmed with the amount of people and not at all in the mood. For such a social guy, he was clinging to Parker, Tara, Sandy and I. We did have a bounce house, which he loved, so that took some of the edge off. It was a beautiful, over the top day and I wouldn’t change a thing. It was the only birthday that we got to celebrate with our little guy and I will never forget it.

17 Days of Benny – Day 11

Day 11 – Month 11

So many things happened in Benny’s 11th month! He crawled, stood and walked-all in one day! Leave it to him to pull a fast one on us. He went from creeping to fully mobile overnight. The kid was a handful and I was starting to realize that he was going to be so much more work than Darcy as a toddler.

Darcy was definitely less willing to try new things like climbing, walking, etc. She was always more concerned with the environment around her. Benny on the other hand was ready to run out and conquer the world. The kid was a beast with an outgoing personality, ready to do everything his big sister was doing. Yet, he was so loving and snuggly.

We celebrated Benny’s first Easter when he was 11 months old too. He had an ear infection and was miserable, and teeth popping in everywhere, but entertained by his big sister and older cousins. It was a great day.

T Minus 3 Weeks

I am officially in the home stretch. I’m whale huge and uncomfortable and feel so unprepared for this new little one. I mean, clothes are washed and organized, diapers and wipes are purchased. The house is still construction chaos, but we are used to that by now. We only work well on deadlines.

I’m unprepared emotionally. I’ve had to go through all of the baby stuff again. Most of it was hand me downs or from Darcy, so I have to say it’s been fun seeing that again. The stuff that was truly Benny’s though, it sucks. A piece of me dies each time we come across his shoes, or his hats or his toys that have been away. I don’t even know where to begin with this stuff. His dresser remains the same, an untouched mausoleum to a 17 month old boy. I know it’s only things, but they were his things.

I’ve looked at this situation so much from Darcy’s perspective, but now as I get closer to holding this little man in my arms, I’m overwhelmingly sad for him. He will never know his older brother. They will never meet, besides my dreams. They will never play together, or laugh or argue. He will know him only through pictures and stories. I’ve thought so much about what Darcy lost, but never really much about what Fletcher will never know. I’m so sad for him.

I’m worried about how overwhelming it will be to hold Fletcher in my arms for the first time. I’m scared about being in a hospital setting for any of this. I truly hope that St. V’s will honor our wishes for a natural birth. I’m scared for all that could go wrong, even though I’ve had two perfect deliveries. There are no guarantees and that is what frightens me the most.

17 Days of Benny – Day 10

Day 10 – Month 10

By 10 months Benny was on the move! He was creeping all over the floor, cruising around in his walker and pretty much becoming a challenge. He was into everything!

Parker and I went away for a weekend ski trip with my company and Benny had his first baby-sitters, my cousin and her boyfriend. My easy going, pretty go with the flow dude was not happy to be away from Mom or Dad for 2 days and gave my poor cousin a run for her money. Darcy tried her best to help out, but Benny wasn’t having it. That’s when I first started to notice what a Momma’s boy my little man was.

Where Darcy didn’t cuddle until around 2, Benny was a little snuggle bug and would settle down each night with his paci, blanket and book and relax his little body into mine as we read and cuddled. When he was tired, he was more than happy to be in your arms calming down. For someone with so much energy, he certainly calmed down and fell right asleep, just like Parker.

In the morning, when he would wake up, he would let us know. Darcy was always happy to play with stuff in her crib and chat away for at least 45 minutes. Benny would whine the second his eyes opened. He would also just lay there and wait for you. He finally started sitting up and pulling up in his crib around this time. Still wasn’t happy to be alone and needed to be picked up or entertained by his big sister in his room. It was amazing to us how different he and Darcy truly were.

17 Days of Benny – Day 9

In true fashion, things in my life have become crazy and I’ve fallen behind. Maybe my life hasn’t changed as much as I thought. I do have to say though, it didn’t stress me out like usual. I know that I am still honoring my son and the fact that I didn’t finish my ’17 Days’ posts by his birthday has somewhat rolled off my shoulders. It is what it is and now it’s time to play catch up.

Day 9 – Month 9

By 9 months we were in the depths of winter and enjoying some lovely New England blizzards. We enjoyed sledding with our neighbors and many play dates to try to keep the kids busy. Being cooped up indoors we had to find new and interesting ways to keep busy.

We borrowed Tara’s walker and Benny started using it to cruise around the house. He was still in the exersaucer and the johnny jumper, but this kid wanted freedom! He took to the walker quickly and in short order he was chasing everyone around the house (much to the poor dogs dismay). We never used a walker with Darcy and it was quite funny with Benny. He would run, run, run and then lift his little feet and glide across the room.

This also meant that he able to reach lot’s of fun and new places. We found ourselves baby proofing stuff that Darcy never even dreamed of going after as a little one. Yet again, he challenged our parenting. This is when we really began to see how much he was paying attention to everything that we did and mimicked us. We also began to notice the difference between raising boys and girls.

17 Days of Benny – Day 8

Day 8 – Month 8

I think I have been avoiding this one because day 8 would mean that it was May 8th and May 8th would mean that Benny has been gone for 18 months, longer than he was here. A very wise friend recently pointed out that I did carry him for 9 months and he was a part of our lives then too, so maybe May 8th isn’t as awful as I once thought. I won’t even do the math to add on 9 months.

In any case, Benny’s eighth month was December-January and what a fun time it was! He got to celebrate his first Christmas, we traveled to CT and Long Island to see family and celebrate, we were able to go sledding with our neighbors and enjoy his first New Year’s!

Year Two – Mother’s Day

Yes, I am behind on my 17 Days of Benny blogging, but there is just so much going on right now. We are ‘attempting’ to finish up some lingering projects around the house so that we have some options in the future. I have been busy with Parker and the business. I am now officially the treasurer for the North Atlantic Packards Club as well. Let the chaos begin.

Then comes Mother’s Day. Right in the middle of it all. Or perhaps just May in general. Last year sucked. I was in a terrible mood all day, staining countertops and just trying my damndest to ignore the whole awful thing. It was bad. I didn’t know how to handle missing my mom and my son.

This year I decided to try something different. We started the day with a yummy brunch with Parkers mom and then headed to the cemetary. It was completely packed! There were tons of people there, we couldn’t believe it. Darcy had brought Benny two pinwheels, so we cleaned up his toys a bit, visited and then walked around. We noticed that there was a new headstone in the baby garden, which killed me. They were twins that passed on Darcy’s birthday last year. It broke my heart.

Parker and I sat down on a bench as Darcy walked around. We were the only ones in the baby garden until another couple walked over and sat down by the twins. It broke my heart again. I watched this newly grieving couple cry for their children. I wanted to go over and hug the momma. I just sat there silently crying for them and everything they lost.

I sometimes forget that it’s ok to cry for us too. It did happen to us too and we’re allowed to be upset. I can’t use housework to cloak my grief forever. I sat there watching that couple, seeing us. I cried for all of us and it felt damn good.

We left shortly after to work in the yard, play in the sprinkler and pool, burn the Christmas tree and just spend the day together. It felt good. I felt like I honored Benny. The day wasn’t nearly as bad as last year.

My heart still misses Benny and my Mom terribly though. At the cemetary I was wishing that she was buried closer so that I could visit and Darcy could sense some physical connection. I hate that they’re not here, hate it everyday, but especially today. It’s comforting to know that they are together at least and that is something that I know with absolute certainty.

Loving and Missing my Mom and Benny always…