Death – Page 18 – Sunshine, Angels and Rainbows

Judgment

Well, I guess a little fight with an ignoramus from the comment section of a blog the I LOVE and relate to is what the doctor ordered to get me writing! I don’t know what it is about this week. The ‘judgies’ are out in full force!

A close friend posted about the twin boys and the dresser video, which I’m assuming by now everyone has seen. His comment, besides criticism to the media, ‘where were the parents?’ I almost stopped breathing from the rage that I felt boiling inside.

I am so damn tired of this. I am so tired of this new parenting method where we all try to ‘one up’ each other and cast criticism over EVERYTHING! And honestly, I don’t care if you do it in the privacy of your own home, gossip away! Talk about the friends that you feel give their kids too much sugar, or sweetener or whatever the ‘toxic’ ingredient is this week. Get it out of your system, I’m certainly not innocent!

Maybe that’s a bad example. The bigger problem is judging those that we do not know. We’ve never seen or talked to, but feel it’s ok to do so because we’ve read their story in the paper or heard about it on the news. And we feel all emboldened behind our computers. Just stop, PLEASE STOP doing it over the internet!! Stop making accusations and judgment calls on situations that you know nothing about.

I never saw blame after the accident. Not one comment. I feel like that whole thing started to happen more in the years that followed. What is happening? How is this not cyber bullying-adult style? How is it any better than what our teenage counterparts are doing to each other?

Enough already!! I can’t take much more. We need to stop tearing each other down as parents. I realize as I write this that I wasn’t so good at taking my own advice with said commenter. I need to do better. We all need to do better.

Here’s a link to the blog. Every word in it is spot on.

Parent Shaming

What’s Important

Tomorrow evening I will take the kids over to the senior center to vote for our next president. It is important to me that my daughter sees that she has rights that should never be taken for granted. She needs to understand that she should be educated on the issues at hand and look at the candidates from every angle, not just how the media spins them.

I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t been caught up in all of the hoopla that came along with this election cycle. It was hard to ignore on social media, even after I ‘unfollowed’ some folks for their ridiculous posts or comments. It was everywhere! It’s been all that we have talked about, fought about for months. Tomorrow is a very important day for this country. I’m so happy to be able to execute this right as a woman.

As a mother, tomorrow is a far more important day. It marks the the third year anniversary of the last time that we held our son. Three years ago we last saw him smile, stroked his hair and heard his voice. Three years ago we said good bye.

It was the worst thing imaginable. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. Mother’s aren’t supposed to outlive their children. Pain like that doesn’t ever end. It changes you for life. You are never the same.

For three years I have lived without my son. Every single day I think of him. Every single day I ache for him. I would give everything and anything to just hold him one more time, run my hand through his hair and smell his little boy scent.

Tomorrow we will go to the cemetery and bring him his Halloween pumpkin. My daughter will be uncomfortable and running around and my other son will sit and play with the toys at the gravestone for a brother that he never knew. We will talk, maybe read a book and say good bye again.

My husband and I will be drained because we will be reminded of the horror that surrounds this day. For a moment I will catch myself off guard and I will remember holding my sons lifeless body and sobbing. We’ll tuck the kids into bed and hold on a little longer than we should, because we know all too well how quickly things can change. There are no guarantees.

We will probably stay awake as late as possible to see who is elected. And we will either breathe a sigh of relief or be completely devastated that another November 8th has ended in tragedy.

Here’s the thing though, I will still go to sleep tomorrow night and wake up the next morning. I will still be able to kiss my babies and go to work on Wednesday. I will be able to turn off the ‘unfollow’ button on the Facebook machine and get back to my life.

I’ve already lived through the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I’m here today because some pretty incredible people have stood beside us and showed us so much love and kindness in the face of loss.

Yes, this election is a big deal. Is it the biggest deal to me? I often find myself asking now in tough situations, ‘is this life or death?’ The answer is always no. It makes it a little easier to stomach in that moment.

Maybe it’s a coping mechanism I’ve developed. I’d like to think it’s clarity. Either way it works for me.

Tomorrow isn’t just about our next president to me. It’s about my family and what’s missing. It’s about loss and heartache, but it’s mostly about love. One little boy and his love for life.

Disney

Friends of ours offered us 4 tickets to see Disney on Ice this afternoon. I somewhat chuckled to myself as I pictured the shitshow that would ensue if we brought Fletch. I texted said friend and she told me to have Darcy invite a friend instead.

So off we went to enjoy the show. I was a little worried that the third grade girls might be ‘too cool’ for this whole thing, but soon enough we were all belting out Let it Go with Elsa! I was so happy!

Then I started thinking. This was probably it, the last time I would go to Disney on Ice because Darcy wanted to go. She’s growing up too fast and I can’t stomach it, but at the same time I love it.

We watched the little boys in front of us rocking out and going wild for Buzz Lightyear and it hit me that that fourth ticket could have been for Benny. He would have been 4.5, such a great age for the show. He would have loved it. He should have been there. He should be here.

Nearly 3 years. So much time gone, so much he missed. He would be so old now, already in Pre K. He would be a big brother. He would be a middle child. Lot’s of ‘would.’

I don’t give in to feeling sorry for us very often, but this sucks. Today’s realization sucked. He’s been gone nearly double the time that he was here and I can’t stand it. I shouldn’t have to.

Lot’s of ‘-un’s’ come to mind; unfair, unreal, unbelievable. The worst is undeniable because try as I might I cannot pretend that he isn’t gone or that he never existed. Because he was here and he was our Benny Bear. And I was so damn lucky that he was mine.

Getting Older

Today was a great day with my family. We carved pumpkins, watched football (yes, that’s very odd for us), worked on Halloween costumes and just spent time with one another.

This has been a rare day for us because Autumn was crazy. Parker traveled a lot for work, school started back up and so did dance, girl scouts, etc. I welcomed this opportunity to be home with my family.

Darcy and I ran to Target and AC Moore to get the finishing touches for her costume. We had to drive across the parking lot and she asked if she had to buckle up, to which I said yes. We had just recently talked about how her booster seat in the car isn’t going away just because she’s 8. She’s just as serious about vehicle safety as I am.

I swear, there are times when I can feel it coming, when I know she’s going to ask questions about the accident. It’s been nearly 3 years and it’s lessened some, but it still gets me every time. I cannot describe it, it’s like feeling a ghost, because I just know.

She asked if I remembered the accident as we drove across the parking lot. I told her yes, bits and pieces. She asked if Benny had been run over and I answered honestly. She said, ‘I thought so.’

She asked me if I dropped him. I tried so hard to explain that it wasn’t on purpose. At that point we were getting out of the car and she started to tell me how she would have held on tight and hopped out of the way. To passersby it probably looked like she was doing a dance as we walked into the store while she described how she would have handled it.

I forget she was only 4. She knew what we told her. She’s nearly 8 and has had plenty of time to process and look at the situation from her 8 year old perspective.

I looked at her and said,’I don’t think we ever told you, but the police came over to the house with my car and reconstructed the accident. They timed how long it would take the car to get from the top of the driveway to the bottom. It was 6-7 seconds. I ran and the car door hit me and knocked Benny out of my arms. There just wasn’t enough time to get out of the way.’

She got it. I think it gave her a clearer picture of what happened. Her response was, ‘oh, well yeah, a car is much heavier than you. And now you park the other way so it won’t happen.’

It just seemed like something clicked with her, that she had a better understanding. In that moment, she seemed so old. Here’s a little girl that believes in Santa and the Tooth Fairy, yet I felt like I was speaking to an adult.

I never really thought about her looking at our situation as she grew up. It must be like watching a movie as a child and then seeing it as an adult and being able to identify the adult humor or situations.

I’m glad that she is giving me the opportunity to speak frankly. I’m so happy to have open lines of communication with her.

I’m so lucky to have this child in my life. She carries our Benny memories with her. She’s what keeps us going, she’s what makes us want more of everything that life has to offer.

Painting

This is Us-Painting

Another clip from my new favorite show. I’m going to show this to Darcy, it so beautifully describes life and death.

This is Us

Making Lemonade

Just wow.

I’m Having A Moment…

cam02457 Of utter and complete happiness. My daughter, my amazing daughter just found out she was cast as a mouse in the Nutcracker in the Hanover Theater. This is a big deal!

For weeks it was all that she could talk about. How she wanted to get a call back. I cautioned her that the competition would be fierce and told her that I was so proud of her for even trying out. I told her this was the first time she had ever done anything like this and tried to present realistic expectations.

Then tonight happened and we jumped on her bed and danced around her room. This little girl whose confidence used to worry me blows me away. I think back to 3 years ago, when her world fell apart and she was still so little learning the worst lesson about how unfair life is.

I remember the year and a half of therapy. I remember all of the tough questions and accusations. I remember the struggle with her and her peers. I remember how tough it has all been for her and how much it tore her down. Thinking of it all overwhelms me.

But today I look at that and I am floored by how confident this little girl has become. She didn’t get there alone. She is so very lucky to have some of the best, kindest and caring people in her life. Some of whom were strangers before Benny died and have become lifelong friends. Her aunties, her uncles, her cousins, her ‘San’s’ and her friends. She is where she is today because of them. Because these people have loved and supported her to no end.

It’s incredible to look at how far she’s come. I don’t often stop to think about it, because it’s so hard. Thank you to everyone that has helped to shape this confident little lady. I’m one proud mama tonight!

Good Grief

I’m not sure that I fully understand this expression? In any case, Parker turned me onto this song and the lyrics are spot on. It’s upbeat, but that’s ok. It’s my life.

Good Grief – Bastille

Communication

We are deep into the second week of school. Darcy has very hesitantly entered the third grade. I’m not sure how she grew up on me so quickly.

School scares me. She’s had good teachers and she’s had great teachers. She’s not just another kid in that classroom, but someone that needs extra attention. We’ve struggled with our love for school when her teachers just don’t get it and her emotional needs are not being met.

I understand that classroom sizes can be huge and with IEP’s and grading papers, there is a lot of work for teachers to deal with. What I don’t like is an unresponsive teacher and a child who doesn’t want to go to school. A child that I know is hungry to learn and create and become a part of her classroom community.

Darcy’s a great student, a huge classroom helper and takes direction well (from her teachers), so all that I ever hear is what a joy she is to have in class. She’s one of the easy ones and sometimes that causes her emotional needs to be overlooked.

So I am sitting here right now with the HUGEST feeling of relief because we are 8 days into the school year and I have heard from her teacher twice already. Nothing bad, just trying to test the waters and see where Darcy is at with things. There’s nothing better than knowing that she is willing to reach out at the slightest bit of trouble. This woman has no idea how much better I already feel about third grade.

And guess what? This must translate into her teaching style because Darcy is LOVING school! She comes home happy, excited to share stories and of course some drama from her day. She’s feeling confident again and it’s so nice to see her excited for school.

And all it took was a little communication.

10 Years

‘Parker, when I first met you, I knew that you would be a good friend, but I never dreamed that we would be standing here together 7 years later. I know that I’m the lucky one in all of this because I get to spend the rest of my life with you. You, who have become my very best friend and the one person that I know I can always trust in. You, my little Packard freak, that I’m so proud of.

I have never felt the way that I do today, a mixture of hope, excitement, love and happiness. Today is really about making new memories and reminiscing in the old. You are my future, my heart and my life and I have never been happier than I am at this moment right now. I love you and know that this is an amazing new beginning for both of us. I’m so lucky to have found my one true love.’

‘Sheryl, who ever thought that when I met you 8 years ago that we would be standing here today. You are the most generous, loving, caring, unselfish person I know. I promise to love you, respect you, laugh with you and cry with you. You are my best friend, my better half and from this day on we spend the rest of our lives together making memories of us.’

-Our Wedding Vows

9-30-06 3652 (2) Ten years ago Parker and I made promises to one another and shared our love with our friends and our family. We vowed to always be there for one another. We promised to love one another.

One of the last songs we played at our wedding was ‘Better Life’ by Keith Urban. When you get married you have these preconceived notions about how your life is going to be. Hell, as a child, I dreamed about this. Everything is always so perfect in your visions for the future. Sure you talk about ‘sickness and health’ and ‘better or worse,’ but on your wedding day you only expect positive things to happen in your future.

I never expected my future title to be ‘grieving mom’ when I wrote those words and made those promises. No parent does. I never expected the last 3 years of my marriage to be filled with PTSD, counseling and grief.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would have to call Parker sobbing uncontrollably and tell him to get home right away, that something horrible had happened. I didn’t expect that we would say good-bye to our little blue eyed angel just as his life was getting started.

We were numb for so long. Both of us just absolutely terriffied, looking to each other to make it better. Both suffering with PTSD, flashbacks and nightmares. Clinging to one another trying to figure it all out.

Parker would cry in the morning and I would cry at night. It worked for us for awhile. He wanted to be surrounded by Benny’s stuff while I needed it shut away, with a few minor exceptions. No two people grieve the same way.

With a ton of love and support, we survived that first year. Then the second. Then the birth of our second son.

Now it’s getting tough again as Fletcher creeps ever closer to eighteen months. How did time pass so quickly? How are we here again? How come he looks so damn much like his brother?

We are struggling. Parker handles things very differently that I’m comfortable with. We’re working on it. I guess that’s all we can do. That and hold our breath until we cross that eighteen month threshold. That’s marriage though, working through the tough times.

I read these vows now and I’m trying to remember those two people that wrote them. They had so much hope for this amazing life together filled with happiness. I miss them. I miss their innocence. More days are happy than not, but there are just some days that are tough. When just existing feels hard.

On September 1st, we celebrate 10 years as a married couple. I had no idea what the future held when we made those promises all those years ago. I don’t know what tomorrow brings for us and our family. I do know that I love that man more today than when I wrote those words. I’m lucky to still call him my best friend.