So This Happened

This was not planned.  The car happened to be back in the shop and Parker and I looked at each other and both saw ‘the Benny photo’.  Life is funny sometimes.  Round and round we go.

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Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

I feel it happening again.  Admittedly this time it took much longer for me to unravel.  I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not though?

I’m 5 weeks from welcoming another baby.  A little girl.  After everything, Darcy finally gets a sister.  Things feel completely incomplete (if that makes any sense?)

They’ve had me on Unisom for most of this pregnancy for sickness, so sleep has been a blessing.  Now as I’m nearing the end though, the insomnia is stronger than the pills and I find myself back to where I was when I was pregnant with Fletch.  Scared, sad, lonely, angry and just generally exhausted.  These rainbows really take a lot out of you.

The hormones probably don’t help either.  Or the screaming toddler or 8 year old with the attitude of a teenager. Sigh.  I thought this pregnancy would be easier, emotionally at least, because it was a girl. Well it’s hitting hard now.

It’s a reality smack of everything I’ve lost all over again.  It’s knowing that my mom isn’t here to help, which has been horrible with each pregnancy.  It’s knowing that Darcy gets to grow up with a sister, but Fletcher will never know his big brother.  They will never share that bond.

Maybe it’s because this is it for me.  I should be excited for that, I haven’t had easy pregnancies.  But it’s just another ending, another chapter of my life over and that makes me sad.

I cannot believe that she will be my fourth.  In a million years I never thought I would have so many children.  In a million years I never thought that I would lose one.

Happy Birthday Buddy

Today I should have been up early making a special breakfast for my newly aged 5 year old.  I should have been wrapping presents that contained ‘boy stuff,’ (I must admit that I have no clue what 5 year old boys are into) and freaking out because 5 means school in the Fall and a whole new rite of passage.

Instead I dropped off the kids and set about cleaning and staging my home to go on the market tomorrow.  A huge departure from where I expected to be on May 17th those 5 years ago when Benny was born.

In between freaking out over getting everything accomplished, I realized that I can’t even picture it.  I can’t fathom a 5 year old Benny.  It seems so old and he was so young when he died.  This is the first time where I’ve really struggled with this.  Darcy was barely 5 when he passed.

How has so much time passed?  I’m amazed at how raw it all still feels after 3 and a half years.  My days are busy, Fletch keeps me busy and Darcy is non stop talking, dancing, going.  They make it better, but it still never truly goes away.

I’m amazed that we are even in a place where we would consider moving from this house.  It might sound strange because of what happened here, but so many beautiful things have happened here too.  This is the only home my children have known and we’ve lived here nearly 13 years.

So many changes as I look back over the last few years.  So much has stayed the same though, mostly this constant ache to have back something that is no longer attainable.

So instead of celebrating a 5 year old, we will celebrate his memory.  I’m amazed every year by how many lives he touched in his short time here.  Happy Birthday Buddy.  We love you lot’s and miss you always.