When Benny was born we counted his life in months. I consider that my life ‘Before the accident’ or ‘BA’. Now we count his death in months (‘After the accident’ or ‘AA’). It’s like someone drew a line in the sand and we started counting backwards again. That’s how everything feels, backwards. It was 2 months ago today that I laid in bed in the morning like any other Friday while my kiddos ran and jumped around my room. 2 months ago Benny and I went shopping for a coat and birthday presents for his big sister. He spent most of the time in line flirting with the younger girl behind me. 2 months ago we were running late (per usual) to meet up with a friend. We went to the bouncy house place and I had a blast! Benny kept taking drinks from the water fountain and asking to ‘wash’ his hands. 2 months ago today I called my husband and told him that yeah, things might be financially tight, but I loved being a mom and even though I never expected him, I loved having a son. 2 months ago today we went to Wendy’s and Benny got fries and chicken nuggets and I felt so guilty he didn’t have any fruits or vegetables. He fell off the chair at the restaurant and I thought that was as bad as my day was going to get. 2 months ago I was marveling at the late afternoon snow while Bennett slept in the back of my car, so tired from our busy day. 2 months ago that I was removing him from the car and our world ended and this horrible new reality took hold. What I wouldn’t give to go back to 2 months ago + 1 day. What I wouldn’t give to memorize every dimpled smile, every laugh, every pout and every fit. I’ve thought about that day a lot and what I could have done differently, how I should have reacted. I’ve wondered if I had just brought him right up to bed like I was going to, and then gone down to the car, If I had jumped into the car, if, if, if. I need an undo button. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I’m not supposed to be here again.
Sunshine, Angels and Rainbows 