One of the things you commonly read about concerning grief is the lack of energy that you feel, how the grief can just zap you and leave you feeling empty. I’ve been feeling that way for nearly 2 years now.
I am one of the lucky ones that has a baby that sleeps pretty well (way better than his siblings slept). I have a very independent 6 year old that is willing to do just about anything to help me out. Parker would do anything for me. Why am I still so damn exhausted??
I used to have energy! I used to be super busy! I used to work 30 hours a week! I’m not sure if this whole thing has just forced me to slow down, if I just don’t care anymore, or if the grief is bleeding me dry. I used to be a machine, I was on top of everything, now it feels as if everything is on top of me. Most of the time it doesn’t even bother me, which is scary!!
It’s the ‘grief me’. This person that doesn’t get very stressed or bogged down. I used to love getting involved in the details, now I can take or leave it.
I’m not sure who this person is anymore. Pieces of me are fading away. Things I always wanted to do no longer interest me. I don’t think that I’m depressed in the clinical sense, just feeling meh about things. Maybe meh is OK for now. Maybe meh is my new black. I’m not sure it fits me, but who is ‘me’ now anyway? All of that changed when Benny died.
So for now, I’m just rolling with it. Maybe I’m not going to set the world on fire right now and that’s OK. At least it is right now in my ‘meh’ stage. Perhaps I should have had more meh in my life before. Maybe this is normal.