sheriroaf

Courage

The Bears from my Childhood

All of this ‘Berenstein’ vs. ‘Berenstain’ Bears nonesense has me thinking. I distinctly remember ‘stein,’ but have talked to other folks that remember ‘stain.’ I don’t get it, I really don’t and I’ve been reading articles most of the evening trying to wrap my head around it all.

I was reading one article aloud to Parker that talked about a parallel universe existing or several, where there were other ‘me’s’ that make different decisions. I looked at Parker and said maybe Benny’s alive in another universe. Maybe I brought him into the house like I was going to and then tried to take the key out of the car. Maybe we never went out that day. Maybe we never bought our house, but one with a flat driveway. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

It really got me thinking though, maybe there was no Benny in another universe because I never went to Wentworth and I never met Parker. Maybe my mom didn’t die of breast cancer and I ended up going to school in Virginia as planned. It’s amazing how much one little decision can affect the course of your life. I have no answers for the Berenstein debate. I do not understand how something that I swear to be true isn’t. There’s so many things about this life that I simply do not understand. Maybe there isn’t an answer, it’s not black and white.

Back in May, right before Mother’s Day, I went on my second grieving mother’s retreat. It was much easier the second time around because I knew so many of the mom’s from last year and my support group in Worcester. I wasn’t as anxious going into it. It was an amazing day of relaxation, yoga and being amongst friends. At the close of the day, we sat down with Peggy Huddleston, who authored the book ‘Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster’ where she talks about the mind/body connection and illness/injury. She also lost her son and was working with us to get into a relaxed state so that we could communicate with our loved ones.

I was a little dubious. I still couldn’t explain my experience with Maureen Hancock and I certainly wasn’t a medium. I had a hard time relaxing the first time that we did it. It was almost like being hypnotized, it’s hard to explain. I’ve always been a mind over matter type of person, especially when it comes to pain, but I was distracted by the person sitting next to me shifting around in their seat. I was seeing flashes, Benny’s face, but I wasn’t sure if I was seeing them because I wanted to or because something else was going on. We went around the room and shared what we saw and Peggy led us through the relaxation again and told us to ask our loved ones a question.

I panicked, I had no question for Bennett. I didn’t want to ask him if he blamed me, I wasn’t ready for that. I thought about it and figured I would just ask if he was with my mom. I’ve received so many signs from Bennett and so few from my mom over the years. I wanted to know where she was.

As Peggy put us under the second time I was really able to relax. At first I saw Benny’s face in my memory, but not Benny at 18 months, but an older Benny, a 3 year old Benny (which he would have been at the time). I’d never really imagined him as older, I wouldn’t let myself, it hurt too much. For whatever reason, this is what I saw. It was like looking at a movie with no sound. I asked him if he was with my mom and the picture changed to when he used to play her organ and shake his curls like Jerry Lee Lewis. I wasn’t sure if he was telling me no, or what. The picture shifted again and all of a sudden I was watching him walking. Then the picture zoomed out and he was holding a yellow balloon in one hand and my moms hand in the other. Clear as day, they were walking away from me.

I wasn’t sure if I saw what I wanted to or I was actually able to communicate. Peggy said not to question it, but logical me figured it was too good to be true.

A week later, my friend/neighbor Angela was chasing down WXLO to try to get tickets for their Mother’s Day brunch. At the last minute she was able to win some tickets for myself and another mother who had lost her teenage son exactly a year ago on that day. The brunch was at Uno’s in Millbury and the morning show was broadcasting live. They had a medium there and a nice little spread of food. I had no idea what to expect, as Angela had just messaged us the night before to let us know that she got tickets.

I’ve been warned by friends to be suspicious of mediums. My experience with Maureen Hancock was amazing, but I had taken every precaution so that she wouldn’t know my name. This time, we got the tickets the night before and they were in Angela’s name. There was no way that they had my information.

The medium started with a family behind us and honestly, I felt that I had my closure. I had what I wanted from Maureen and I was silently hoping that Angela’s friend Heather’s son would come through for her.

As the medium was walking around she said that she was getting a Margaret name. When no one spoke up I said that Margaret was my mom’s middle name. She asked me if her name began with a J, guessing Jane and I corrected her with Joan. She said that the she was sitting in the empty seat next to me. She asked me if there were 3 kids in my family growing up to which I said yes. Then she asked about the baby. I asked her which one, and she said that my mom welcomed the baby and was with him. She said he was in very good hands. She asked me if my grandmothers name was Anna, to which I said yes. My mom said she is with my kids and that my daughter has family blood (she’s a spitting image of me and my mom). She said that I’m very close with my mom’s sister (Aunt Dorothy) but that she’s very different from my mom. She asked me if my mom was sick to which I said yes. She said that my mom was the center person in our family and after she died that I took on that role. She said that my dad never recovered and deserves a ‘swift kick’ for falling apart on us.

I’m sure there was more, but my mind was blown. Even if the medium had my name prior to the event, there’s no way that she could have come up with that information. My mom died in 1996, none of this showed up on a google search with my name. She knew my grandmother’s name. I have no explanation. A week prior I was asking her and Benny if they were together and why I never get signs from her and instantly I have answers. I got validation.

After the readings were all over, they pulled a name from a hat for someone else in the room. I was hoping that they would pick my name so that I could give a reading to Heather. I was sitting there in my head saying please Benny and mom over and over. So they picked my name. And Heather got her reading.

I can’t make this stuff up. I can’t even begin to understand most of it. I don’t have an answer. Maybe it’s ‘stain’ maybe it’s ‘stein.’ I don’t know. I’m thankful that those damn bears got me to finally write this post that I’ve been holding on to since May. Believe it, or not, it happened. I can’t explain it, it just is. It just keeps happening, he keeps sending me signs and giving me exactly what I need. God I miss him.

A Little bit of Sunshine

Of course sunflowers showed up in the garden. Darcy told me today thar Benny must have planted the sunflowers when we weren’t looking. The second picture is onw of our pumpkins. It attached itself to a tree and is growing dangling over our fence. It’s bigger than a softball. When I found it today I was chatting with my neighbor Fran and her daughter Tara. Tara reminded me about the pumpkin at the cemetery. It was put there in October and we found it in the Spring, still intact. Funny thing is, we haven’t found a good place to go pumpkin picking since Benny passed. He knows best I suppose.

Yet Another Nurse

Benny was up to his old tricks when Fletchie was born. During the shift change at the hospital, around 6 AM, we had a new nurse. I instantly liked her.

She said that she had heard about Benny from the previous nurse (I had also put it in my birth plan because I wanted them to know what we were going through, considering the last time we were in a hospital was when he died) and she was so sorry. She also told me that her son passed when he was 10. I shouldn’t be surprised at this point that these people have been continually placed in our path, but I was. She also told me that she had gone on to have another child, a little girl after her son had passed. She was the first person I had met in the flesh that I knew would understand our situation and I felt so much better.

When Fletch was (finally) born, Parker lost it. I expected it, he cried when Benny was born too. He wanted his little boy as badly as I wanted my little girl with Darcy. I was oddly calm, having been going through all of these emotions for months now. I think it’s different for women anyway because we’re bonded with our babies before birth. I just remember our nurse coming over and hugging Parker and saying ‘I know’. And she did, she’s been where we were. It made it so much easier. Yet another nurse in our lives that made such a difference.

The People That Don’t Know…

The night of the accident, I had both of our Facebook pages taken down because we were scared that the media would pull information/pictures from them. It was almost a year before we reactivated Parker’s because he needed it for work. Mine remains down and I use Parker’s. I couldn’t fathom dealing with people from back home that didn’t know about the accident. I was already the girl who’s mom died in high school, I didn’t want another title.

The other day I dropped Darcy off at camp and was talking to Tara while toting around Fletch. A woman approached me said, ‘I don’t know if you remember me, but our girls took dance together at the Y.’ I recognized her and began to panic. Darcy was in dance when I was pregnant with Benny. We had a few play dates, birthday parties with this family and Benny had been there. She knew Benny and probably had no clue about the accident.

She asked how old Fletch was and started asking about Darcy. I redirected the conversation to her girls and hoped she would leave it at that. Tara was standing next to me and I knew she could tell as much as myself what was coming.

‘How’s your other son, Bennett I think? How old is he now?’. Now I’ve become pretty adept at telling people that he passed. I’ve never told anyone that knew him before. It was awful. Her reaction, the silence, all of it. I’ve been living with it for nearly 21 months now, but her reaction brought it all back, how truly awful it really is that he’s gone. It cut through me.

I felt bad for her, to ask such a simple question and get such an awful answer. Where can the conversation really go from there? She said she was sorry and I said it’s OK, which it’s not. We talked for a few more minutes about dropping her daughter off at camp and she left.

As soon as she was gone I think that Tara and I took a collective breath. I didn’t have to say much, Tara knew. It was like being on a train headed for a collision with no brakes.

The irony was that I had toyed with the idea of putting my FB page back up, but I don’t think I’m ready for that. For now, I’m ‘Parker.’. It’s a good thing that Parker really doesn’t care what I do as long as I maintain his business page. Things that were so simple before have become so complicated.

Character

So we have this new little guy in our lives and it’s chaos again. I welcome it, no I thrive on it. I think I’m one of those people that just needs to be going, going, going. But my new chaos is much different than the old, much less stressful. I have all of these posts that I’ve wanted to share and just haven’t had the time or mindset to sit down and write. It’s hard to type with a baby stuck to your boob!

I’ve had 3 weeks to love this little guy. 3 weeks of complete bliss and joy. 3 weeks of learning when he’s hungry vs. gassy. 3 amazing weeks. I feel so lucky that he’s ours, that we were chosen to be his family. Not everyone gets a rainbow, so I know how extra special he is.

We are fortunate in that so many other people recognize how special he is, how much he means to us. These are the same people that have stood by us for the last 20 months, many of them new friends from our community. These people were strangers to us before November 8th and have since gone out of their way to help us through the hardest time in our lives. It takes a special person to be able to do that, it’s amazing to me how many there are in our lives. They have listened to me talk about Benny and have never become uncomfortable. They’ve allowed me to keep his memory alive. Their children have allowed Darcy to talk about her little brother. They are our ‘Benny’s Bunch’ and we are so thankful for these people.

With the good comes the bad though. The people that have disappeared, that cannot be apart of this. The ones that couldn’t be bothered to reach out after Fletch was born. Part of it is my fault with my Pollyanna hopes that everyone would be as excited as we were. Sadly, that’s not true. It’s hard for me to let go of people in my life because I know how tenuous it is and how quickly things can change. I cannot continue to carry around this anger though and at some point I need to move forward. It’s not going to happen overnight and I’m sure some part of me will still hope that maybe someday we can reconnect, but I know how unlikely that is. I’m sad and disappointed.

It’s hard to wrap my head around when we have had this community of strangers take us in and some of our closest friends can no longer be a part of our lives. I suppose it just speaks to strength in character. For every friend that has disappeared, at least 2 new ones have shown up. We’re truly lucky to have such an amazing community of new friends!

To My First Born Son

Dear Benny,

You are a big brother! You have an incredible little brother that I just wish so much that you could meet. I know that you had some part in bringing him into our lives and I’m so thankful for that.

Before he was born I was so focused on how hard it would be to have another baby, another boy. I was so worried about what stuff of yours I could reuse, what clothes, toys, what to do with your room. I was so concerned that I would have a hard time bonding with the new little guy. What if something happened to him to? How would I ever pick up the pieces again? I was so scared of how much he could look like you. How would I deal with that?

Now that he’s here, there is happiness again. I remember how easy it is to fall in love. I’m surprised at how quickly it happened, how intensely we are bonded. I think that is because I know that he is a part of you, Darcy and Parker. I’m so lucky to have Fletcher in my life and so surprised by how much love I feel. The clothes, the room, it’s all secondary, I will figure it out. Yes, he does look like you, a lot. The resemblance is so incredible that there are times when I hold him and I forget where he starts and you end. There are moments when I feel sent back in time to when you were a baby and we were all so happy. I get glimpses of how it used to be and I have to ask myself, did it all really happen? It’s confusing and makes me feel so guilty because I never want to downplay the fact that you were here. Right now it’s just hard to distinguish between my two little guys. He certainly is mouthy and much larger than you were and I know that he will be his own person in time.

It’s hard not to wonder if he will be more like you or more like Darcy. You were our carefree, loving life little guy. Darcy is so obsessive and serious sometimes that I forget that she’s only 6. I hope that he loves the cars like you and Daddy.

Now that he’s here, I wish that you were here more than ever. That happiness that I talk about, it’s an incredible feeling, but fleeting when I realize that you’re not here to share it with us. You would be 3 now and I’m sure a handful. I would probably be overwhelmed with 3 of you, but that’s how my life usually is.

I wish that you were here to add to the chaos. I wish I was telling you to be quiet because the baby is sleeping. I wish that I could have all of my children together in one place. I wish that we could take a family picture or go on a family vacation, all of us. There’s such an enormous piece of our puzzle missing. I wish you were here.

Love, Mommy

Fletcher

A Fletcher is one that makes arrows. We named our Fletcher after my maiden name and Benny’s middle name, but I hadn’t given too much thought about the signifigance of the arrow until now.

It’s the new direction that our lives are taking. I’ve forgotten how much love and joy my babies brought to my life over the last 19 months as I suffered with losing Benny. We are truly blessed to have this new little man and I’m so in love. He was born on June 23rd and came into this world screaming. He kept screaming for the first hour of his life, inconsolable until dad started talking to him in the warmer. He instantly recognized dads voice and calmed down.

With love comes grief as I look at this little guy who seems so familiar to me. It’s hard because we keep calling him Benny out of habit, like any parent does with multiple children. His personality is different in so many ways, yet so similar.

Of my 3, he is definitely the most needy, which is fine as I am needy for him too. If I could hold him all day I would. I’d forgotten about that bond, that deep mom/baby connection that happens. It makes me miss Benny something so fierce while at the same time love this guy so much. It’s a contradiction of emotions.

My arms may be full again, but there will always be a piece of my heart missing.

17 Days of Benny – Day 17

Day 17-Month 17:

Mid September through November 2013 seems like a blur. We got into the routine of school for Darcy, I was working part time and things were picking up at the shop for Parker. We were constantly going. Darcy was enrolled in dance on Monday nights, so Benny would accompany us and I would chase him around while Darcy danced.

Parker and I were gearing up to host the second Open House at the shop and had our hands full. The kids were involved in every aspect of it, cleaning the shop, getting stuff ready, etc. Of course Darcy was definitely more helpful than Benny. The day of the event, Benny owned it. He was walking around the cars, shaking peoples hands, he just wanted to be involved. He was my old soul.

We celebrated Benny’s second Halloween and he went around the neighborhood with us and the neighbors. He started out in the wagon, but wanted to be with the big kids, so of course, he ended up walking with us. It was a fantastic night and our last holiday as a family of 4.

Benny turned 17 months on October 17th. He was 9 days shy of being 18 months when the accident happened. Looking through all of these pictures and memories has been hard, but so truly amazing. I don’t like that the pictures stop. I know that he was only 17 months old, but my goodness it was a very busy 17+ months! He fit a lot of life and a lot joy into those months. He made our lives a crazy, chaotic place, one that I miss terribly. It’s too quiet now, there’s less laughter and noise. Darcy’s growing pains through all of this has been agonizing to watch. Trying to grieve alongside your spouse who is handling it differently has been hard. It’s amazing to me when I look back now how different life is in this aftermath. I miss my little man every single day.

17 Days of Benny – Day 16

Day 16 – Month 16:

There were lot’s of changes in our life come the September of 2013. Darcy had started Kindagarten at the end of August and was going 5 days a week. This was a big change for Benny and I because we were used to Darcy being home with us. All of a sudden he was bored with me. It was a tough transition for both of us because I was used to depending upon Darcy to help out too. We were missing her something fierce. It was the most amount of time that I had ever spent away from Darcy and it was really tough. We found that if we ran errands during the day, it kept us busy until it was time to pick Darcy up from school.

Benny would come with me to Darcy’s school when I dropped her off and picked her up. He would climb the stone wall and hold my hand and watch the big kids. The days that he was Sandy’s, I would pick him up on my way home and swing by the shop to get Darcy. Of course once we got there he wanted to get into every car and ‘drive.’ He took tools that were lying around that we would have to fight him for. Once he grabbed keys from Parker’s desk to try to unlock a door. He was so clever and never missed a beat.

His vocabulary was substantial for a child his age and so were his motor skills. He loved playing with toy cars and ‘vrooming’ them around. He never bothered with dolls or really any of Darcy’s ‘girly’ toys. This kid was all boy.

We also cut his hair for the first time. I just came across his beautiful blonde locks the other day in his bedroom digging through the baby stuff. Sandy had had it with me and started clipping his hair up and it was time. He just sat there as I trimmed and let me do my thing. I tried to keep the curls in the back and the front short, but once he started rocking a mullet, the curls had to go too. God I miss that hair.