sheriroaf

Grateful

There’s a reason why I don’t write as much anymore, although I’d really like to. His name is Fletcher.

He’s just exhausting. I’ve never met a more tempermental, strong-willed individual. We thought that Darcy was our tough one until we met Fletch.

He screamed for his first hour of life, completely inconsolable. The nurses said they’ve never had a louder baby in the nursery. It hasn’t stopped. He’s a screamer. Don’t mistake that for crier or whiner, SCREAMER. It seems as if everything is world ending to this little guy. I would probably find it funny if it wasn’t ALL DAY LONG. It’s to the point where we are trying to just ignore it so that he doesn’t learn to use it as a means of communication.

He’s also a hitter and hair puller. When he wants to nurse (which I’m convinced will NEVER end), he comes over to me and starts hitting my chest. I’ve tried several different ways to correct this, but he’s damn strong willed. Then when he does nurse, he pulls my hair. Not just pulls, but rather yanks at it. I have short hair all around my face from this and now wear headbands to keep it out of my face. It’s a lovie to him, so it’s a hard habit to break. Oh and there’s the whole screaming thing again.

And don’t get me started on sleep. I’m not sure I even know what that is anymore, unless it’s curled into a little sleeping person. If I’m being honest, I do love snuggling the little guy, but not every night, every nap. And naps? It’s a war of wills until one of us breaks (lately it’s been him giving in around 3 PM because he’s so damn tired). I fight and fight for an hour plus just to get 45 minutes out of the kid. What can you really get done in 45 minutes??

I’m pretty sure Fletch’s middle name should have been ‘indifference.’ He’s seems to have gotten a little better, but I’m pretty sure this child spent the first year of his life enjoying being unhappy. Or bored. Or whatever his issue was. There was one night when my husband said to my daughter, ‘uhoh, I think Fletch broke Mommy.’

I’ve never been more challenged in my life. My old job was nothing compared to parenting this child. And I haven’t even hit the true toddler stage yet! I’ll be over here waving the white flag when that happens.

Is this what a stressful pregnancy creates? Did I do this because I was so freaked out? Or is this just the cocktail of DNA that we got? Maybe I should have done more yoga and taken up meditation. My therapist kept warning me to calm down.

So I’ll publish this, and about 5 minutes later the guilt will sink in. I’ll feel terrible for committing any of this in writing. For allowing it to seem like I’m frustrated (even though I am). I say these things and then I think about how lucky we are that Fletch is here. Not everyone gets a rainbow. And I feel just ungrateful.

I remember what it was like wanting another baby so badly. I remember how excited we were when I was first pregnant. I remember how lucky I felt that I was able to have a baby again.

It’s like a tennis match back and forth in my head all day. It’s hard to feel empathetic and selfish at the same time. I never felt this way with the other two. His life is so tied into Benny’s death and it complicates everything.

So for the moment I will try to feel grateful, until the screaming starts.

Please Stop the Judgments – From a Grieving Mom

Copied from my Huffington Post article:

Our 18 month old son died when my car hit him and myself in my driveway. The easiest way to explain to people is ‘car accident’ even though he was outside of the car upon his death. As a family we just refer to it as ‘The Accident.’

It was a very public story in New England when it happened. Family and friends alike saw pictures of our house, my car and heard my address through the news and social media before we even had a chance to contact them. Almost all of the information that they portrayed was incorrect and conflicting, but the fact remained the same – our son had died.

People showed up in droves. Neighbors we didn’t know wanted to hold a candle light vigil. More food than we could eat in 6 months showed up at our doorstep. Cards, books on grief, very personal letters began to pore in from around the region and even across the country. People donated money, meals and their time to us.

There was a theme here. In the darkest moment in our life, humankind was beautiful. Strangers banded together to support us. It was like what you saw in the aftermath of 911, except it was happening to us.

As a grieving mother who was frantically trying to figure out what exactly happened, this was healing. I suffered with ‘what if’ scenarios where I convinced myself that if I had just done something differently, reacted quicker, etc. my son would still be alive. Truth be told, I still do over two years later. I harbor so much guilt over what happened, even though it was an accident. Knowing that we had the support of so many people behind us made it a little easier to breathe those first days. And not a single person blamed me.

No one asked why I wasn’t holding my son tighter, or why I didn’t run faster or why I left the car on? Not even my husband, who I thought was more entitled than anyone to understand what occurred. These are all questions that I asked myself anyway. I didn’t need anyone pointing a finger at me. Condolences came in from all over and showed up in various places on the internet, all saying the same thing, ‘I’m so sorry. You’re family is in our thoughts and prayers.’

It’s taken me and my family a long time through therapy to get to where we are now. We’ve worked very hard on ourselves and coming to terms with what happened to our Benny. I think that one of the reasons that we have done so well with the hand we’ve been dealt is because we have had the continued support of so many people. So much love was sent our way when we needed it most.

I don’t know what I would have done if I had been blamed. I don’t know if I could have handled it if the internet turned on me and demanded to understand why my child wasn’t alive, why I wasn’t being charged. It sickens me to think about because we as a family have come so far, most in part due to all of the love from strangers, what if it had been hate instead? How would we have coped? How could my daughter get through that on top of the loss of her only sibling?

I’ve watched in horror the last few weeks as parents that are suffering tragedy have been viciously scolded by an unfeeling mass of internet users. Going so far as to form petitions for DCF involvement and ask over and over why they weren’t watching their children. I’m here to tell you that what you are doing is causing more harm to these families that have already been through so much. How can you cast judgment on a situation that you weren’t involved in? I can also tell you firsthand that the information that the media provides isn’t always accurate. They are working so fast to get a story out that they don’t always have their facts straight when they hit the air.

Please stop the blame. I’m begging you to open up your eyes and realize that these are human people that you are hurting. They are hurting enough and don’t need your opinions or judgment. Unless you have stood where they stood, you do not have the right to sit behind your keyboard and judge. I beg of you to find your humanity and try to realize what these families are going through. Accidents happen, they’re called that because there’s no one to blame! This is how I explain the word to my seven year old child, how come grown adults cannot grasp this?

During an accident, the police are always involved. If there is someone to blame they will in fact be charged. The lynch mob that sits behind their computers and condemns these families need to leave that work to the investigators involved. When a tragedy occurs, we should always lead with love. You never know how that words that you type might affect someone that’s already gone through the worst. I can only imagine how these poor families are coping given the judgment placed upon them.

Please think before you type. Make a point to ask yourself if you would be willing to say what you type to the persons face. Don’t jump to conclusions and depend on the media for your information. As someone that has been in this situation, I’m begging you to please stop the judgments!

Attachments area

Overwhelmed

Ever have one of those days where your support system bails for whatever reason? Maybe they’re sick, perhaps busy. Whatever the case is, they’re not there. And you’re all alone. Overwhelmed. Slowly going crazy. Maybe they’re right next to you and just completely clueless.

I’m in one of my moods where I just want to hop in my car and drive. I don’t necessarily have a destination in mind, but just want to get away by myself. Feel the wind in my hair and sing along with the radio.

I want to feel connected to something. I want to be able to feel something beyond crazed and harried. I would love to take a deep breath and feel silence around me. I want to step off the perpetual roller coaster that has become my life.

I want to sit down and think. I want to wrap my mind around Benny and his life and marinate in that for awhile. I want to pay him some much deserved attention and spend some time with him.

I want to hold my daughter like she hasn’t been held in what seems like too long. I want to snuggle her and breathe in her scent and memorize every detail of her smile.

It would be so nice to have all the time to just sit and play with Fletch. I wish that I could devote hours to reading and ball and floor play. I wish I had more patience when he pushes me just over the edge like he does so well.

What I wouldn’t give for some sleep. In a bed. By myself. I’m not greedy, a four hour stretch will do. To be asleep before 3 AM would be a dream.

I know it’s just a moment in time right now. This too shall pass and things will calm down. But just for a moment to dream…

You’re Here

Even though you’re gone, I can feel you.

You were a part of me for nine months, and I watched you grow for seventeen, that doesn’t just end.

I feel your happiness in the sunflowers that now fill my home. I didn’t intentionally add them, they just started showing up as gifts through others, probably your doing.

I see your face, from baby to toddler smiling back at me from our walls. It’s as if you are watching over us with those bright blue eyes.

I touch your blanket and surround myself in its warmth. It reminds me of your snuggles.

I see your name, just about everywhere, from tv credits to magazines. It is still in block letters in your room and now your brother’s name has also been added to your wall.

I see your likeness in your brother and sister. Both physically and emotionally, they have little pieces of you that they will carry on.

I hear your crazy laughter still in my memories. I’ve never met a happier boy.

As much as I miss you, I know you’re still here, all around us. That doesn’t end.

Pause

Fletch is not feeling well.

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He’s whiny (more than usual) and running a slight fever. It’s most likely teeth, but now I panic.

He’s finally sleeping AND napping and doing it well. It’s like he’s a new baby. He won’t settle tonight though and is uncomfortable, which tells me he’s not feeling so hot. That and he really didn’t eat much at dinner.

I’m scared. This is the first time that he’s really been sick. I’m writing this with him in my arms as I try to convince myself that he will be ok tonight.

No one likes seeing their child sick. I don’t like where my thoughts go, how paranoid I get. This is what happens. There’s no trust that something awful won’t happen.

I think it’s become worse now that he’s older. Every day we creep closer to him hitting 17 and a half months. I cannot bubble wrap him and stick him in a helmet. He’s going to get sick, he’s going to get hurt, it’s just so tough not to completely fall apart when it happens.

It’s time to pause and just breathe.

Mother’s Day History

So I did some googling tonight as to the history of Mother’s Day because I was curious how it all started.

A woman by the name of Anna Jarvis held a memorial ceremony in May of 1908 three years after her mother’s death. She wanted to celebrate her mother’s life and all that she had done for her children. She was honoring her late mother.

Anna’s mother Ann Reeves Jarvis had had thirteen children over the course of her life. Seven of her children had died before Anna was born. Seven. She was a bereaved mother.

Because of a lot of hard work on Anna’s part, the US recognized Mother’s Day as an official holiday in 1914.

For those of you missing your moms today, this holiday was started for you. For those of you missing your children today, this holiday was also started for you. It was grief that brought forth this effort to create a day just for Mom’s.

So when you think of Mother’s Day, don’t just associate it about being for those that are here. It began for those that are not. Happy Mother’s Day!

Mother’s Day

What I’ve Learned in the 20 Years Since my Mother’s Day

One of my posts I wrote about Mother’s Day that was published by Huffington Post this AM.

Lost

Lost Boys

The first time I heard this song I loved it. Then I listened to the lyrics. Perfect description of what it felt like when I met that first bereaved mom at the hospital in our nurse, or when we did yoga for the first time with the other bereaved mom, or met with our support group of bereaved moms, or connected with other bereaved moms online. I was lost, but all of you helped me to believe again. This community of broken hearts is my family.

He sprinkled me in pixie dust and told me to believe, believe in him and believe in me. Together we will fly away in a cloud of green, to your beautiful destiny. As we soared above the town that never loved me, I realized I finally had a family.

The Struggle

Parker told me the other day that he’s struggling. He’s scared that something will happen to Fletcher.

Given what we’ve been through, I feel like this is pretty normal. Fletch looks so much like Benny and he’s only 7 months shy of Benny’s age when he passed. He’s getting around now, he’s more interactive and playful. We’re heading into the toddler stage.

I told Parker that I think this is going to get worse before it gets better. Maybe once he’s 18 months we can sigh with relief. Maybe not. I don’t know what to expect.

We panicked in the morning when he slept through the night. Both of us having awful thoughts that something terrible had happened. I didn’t say anything until Parker brought it up. I’ve been terriffied since Fletch was born that something would happen. I remember feeling this way when Darcy was born too. Difference is now I know it’s not necessarily irrational.

I can’t ever imagine going through that again and surviving it. I’m not quite sure how we did the first time. It’s one thing to be scared of something happening and a whole other to know what it actually feels like. I’m not immune. There are no promises.

As much as Fletch makes me crazy, I am so deeply in love. That’s scary, to allow myself to become that attached again. To hope that I get to keep him. To bring hope and joy back into our lives. But that’s what keeps us going, is that hope. CAM01907

Stupid Things I’ve Said

I am probably one of the least PC people out there. Often what is in my head comes out of my mouth and then I feel guilty later. It’s a blessing and a curse.

I’ve said some really dumb things. When I look back at things that seemed innocuous before, they are terrible through this new lense that I view my life. Please don’t judge, because I didn’t know. Please also realize, I’m not looking for people to try to walk on eggshells around me. That would defeat the purpose. It takes a lot to offend me and honestly, it’s just words. Sticks and stones and all that.

This list is for me. It’s my realization that words and phrases have a deeper meaning and that even my vocabulary has changed in grief.

‘Everything happens for a reason’ or ‘it was meant to be.’ I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if someone can tell me the reason that Benny had to die, I’m all ears. It’s something we say. I’ve said it plenty of times in my life. It’s harder from this side of things to not hate that phrase.

‘Second child syndrome-we didn’t kill the first!’ Said in refernce to the paci that drops and you dust off and pop back into the baby’s mouth. Massive face palm on this one. Hate my past self-ALOT. The cavalier way that I could joke about the existance of one of my children. This was because I lived in the bubble of ‘it will never happen to me.’

‘I deserve…’ fill in the blank. I could go on and on with this one (which I already have), so I’ll spare you. Here’s what I’ve learned, life doesn’t owe you anything, good or bad. Period. The children and teachers in Newtown didn’t deserve to die any more than you deserve a promotion at work. I’d like to think that you get back what you put out there, but even that one’s a stretch for me. What did I put out there for Benny to die?

‘Everything will be ok.’ I learned this one was a big no no when my niece was born premature at 26 weeks. In my reading of what to do, everything said not to use this term. It really made me think, why do we say this? I don’t have a crystal ball, I don’t know if it’s all going to work out. I shouldn’t be making promises I can’t keep.

‘What doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger’ or ‘Life won’t give you what you can’t handle.’ I don’t even know where to begin with this one. I could have died just like my son. Sorry to be graphic, but it’s true. Maybe I’m taking this one a little too literally. Maybe I don’t want to be stronger. Maybe I don’t want to handle it. Maybe I just wish none of it ever happened.

‘Time heals all wounds.’ False. Time can make grief bearable, but it never truly goes away. There will never be a day where I won’t miss my son or my mom. Time almost makes it worse, because it takes me farther away from when they were in my life. It fades my memories. It takes away as much as it gives.

‘Only the good die young.’ This one has made me crazy ever since my mom died. Don’t get me wrong, I love Billy Joel and grew up on Long Island. My beef is not with the song. How did I ever utter these words? What do they even mean?

‘Life isn’t fair.’ Ok, so I use this one with my daughter still. I don’t know why though! She doesn’t need a reminder. She lost her brother when she was four. I need to let this one go.

‘They are in a better place.’ I get a double face palm for this one. How on Earth did I ever say this? I’d like to think they are, but in all honesty, I don’t know for sure. How does this statement help someone that is suffering a loss? They would much rather still have that person alive and in their lives.

I’m sure there are more, but this is my list. I’m sure I’ll screw up and use them because some of them are so deeply ingrained in my vocabulary. I’m human. They’re all pretty harmless anyway until you’ve been where I’ve been. I’m trying to learn from this new perspective that I have.

Please realize this is for me. I’m not looking for a safe space to keep out all of the mean words. I’m looking to change my vocabulary to match my thinking. I’m also looking to point out that I’ve said some really stupid things.

So many people have been really paranoid about offending me or hurting me with what they say. Here’s the thing, there’s nothing you can say or do to make it better, just like there’s nothing that you can say or do to make it worse. It is what it is (this platitude I refuse to give up).