sheriroaf

Under A Rock

The other day I heard a song that really spoke to me. Tonight I was telling Parker about it and how much of an impression it left. I honestly thought the song was by One Direction, which is not typically my taste at all. It was ‘I Lived’ by One republic. Completely off base there.

I just spent the last few hours listening to YouTube of Onerepublic, completely baffled at the fact that not only did I know every song, but they were some of my favorites. I’ve been living under a rock.

Now, we don’t watch the news at all, we don’t even have cable over here, so we’re a little out of touch. It’s sometimes hard having conversations with others because we are so out of the loop. It’s like someone turned off all of the background and there are times when I am grateful. To not worry about politics, or war, or whatever jaded view of the world is happening has been peaceful.

I hadn’t really realized it, but I guess in some respects we’re still in ‘the bubble’. It’s the illusion of safety in here. It’s just us that we worry about and all of the noise goes away. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism.

That’s not to say that we’re completely in the dark over here. There are times when I go crazy for not knowing something big that happened, like Ferguson, or Sony. Maybe I just can’t handle too much, so I limit my exposure. Maybe I just don’t care anymore. Perspective is amazing.

In any case, I Lived is a beautiful song for children. It’s everything that I hope for Darcy. The fact that the video chronicles the life of a boy with CF just made me love the song that much more. No parent could say it any better. And even though Benny’s life was short, he definitely lived.

I Lived

Benny’s Bunch

What started out last year as a ‘last minute 5k’ for the Greg Hill Foundation has grown into something else. To quote my friend Erin, “Amazing how less than two years old and he has the power to gather the masses. An incredible day to honor and cherish Benny.”

This year we had over 50 people walking/running last Saturday, it was incredible! We were easily the largest team to participate in the event. Watching the sea of Benny shirts on the route was inspiring. To know that this many people turned out to support our little guy and our family. We had folks traveling from CT and NH just to walk with us. There was so much love in that crowd.

Santa was there as well as cookies, candy and carolers to keep us moving. This year it was a balmy 35 out, so we didn’t freeze! Afterwards we went over to 29 Sudbury to carb up great food and free beer while we listened to the live entertainment and watched the kiddos run around.

People sent in donations for us to drop off as well and we were able to turn over an additional $120 to the foundation. It was an incredible day and an incredible feeling to be surrounded by that much love. Thank you once again Benny’s Bunchers!! Thank you GHF for all that do to support local families and bring us some hope during our darkest hours!!

Sandy Hook

I remember when this happened, I cried. I had 2 nephews in school in CT and had no idea if they were safe. I was sad for days over children and teachers that I had never met. I kept saying ‘I can’t imagine how you survive something like this…’ It wasn’t a year later and Benny was gone.

No matter what side of the gun battle you’re on, the first few paragraphs written by this mother speak to me. They speak volumes about our life now. What the death of a sibling does to the other siblings. I can relate to a parent of Sandy Hook. It makes me so sad.

Sandy Hook Article – Please Read

Words

I’ve written a lot about the disappointments surrounding child loss and the stupid things that people say. There’s really nothing that anyone can say to make it better when your child dies. A year later, I can look back and tell you what people said that helped to make it bearable. These phrases have stuck with me.

“We WILL get you through this.”
“Benny was a lucky boy and I couldn’t have hoped for two better people to be his parents.”
“You are the best mom. I parented like you, I used to come home and tell my husband that you said to do something a certain way, so that’s what we did.”
“I lost my son too. You will survive this.”
“You will find a way to turn this around, you always do. You will turn this into something to help others.”

These words weren’t the typical platitudes, but spoken sincerely and from the heart. A year later and I haven’t forgotten.

I Said It

A week or so ago I had a doctors appointment. I was sitting down with the nurse and an intern to go through the normal ‘stuff’ and she and I were chatting. I had seen her at the doctor’s several times and we had always exchanged pleasantries.

She asked me how many children I had. My normal answer is to say that I have a daughter. This time I said that I have two and I held my breath to see where the conversation would go. She asked how old and I told her that Darcy had just turned six. I then took a deep breath and said that I had a son and that he had passed.

The intern kept doing what she was doing, completely unfazed, but the nurse stopped and looked at me. She asked if I had just said that my son had passed and I told her yes, he had. She looked at me and said she was sorry and I kept waiting for ‘the look.’ What happened next took me by complete surprise. She told me that she had lost one of her daughters 2 years ago. She was one of ‘us’, she got it. She talked about her daughter and I talked about Benny.

I wanted to give this woman a hug, she had just made the first time that I really told a stranger about Benny pretty damn easy. I was sad for her too though. Here was this woman that I had talked to several times, never knowing that she knew all too well my pain. We’re everywhere, moving forward through life, even though we don’t want to.

This moment brought me up short. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so alone. It was like the hospital all over again. Another stranger reaching out and making it ok for us. I truly believe that Benny was all over this too.

Capture Your Grief

I started the ‘Capture Your Grief’ journey after reading some fellow bloggers posts. I figured why not, the timing was right before our 1 year mark. All of the topics came from the Carly Marie Project Heal website. She put together a list of daily topics/pictures to share. Reading everyone else’s posts helped me to realize that we weren’t alone. The website is actually a really great resource for baby and child loss as well.

I feel like CYG gave me the opportunity to further define my future goals. I’ve been able to look at the help that we had following the accident and realize just how lucky we were. I’ve realized that there is truly a need in our community for parental support and it’s something that I’ve started looking into.

The journey had me writing about several topics that I have already explored and some I hadn’t even thought about yet. I hadn’t really stopped to ask myself where I was on my grief journey. I knew how many months it had been since Bennett died, but I hadn’t really stopped to look at where we were relative to a month, 2 months, 6 months ago. It honestly put a very positive spin on my life going into the 1 year anniversary. All of a sudden I was able to take a step back and really notice that we were doing ok, we were surviving.

Darcy has come full circle in her grief and has become so open to talking about her brother and her feelings. That’s not to say that she still doesn’t have her challenges, but she’s just in a much better place than last February. I couldn’t imagine my life without Parker by my side. He’s my rock and I truly need him in my life. Somehow taking a step back and being able to compare ‘today’s me’ to ‘6 months ago me’ was very empowering. I was able to see how much we have done as a family to try and heal.

This is not to say that we don’t miss Benny, everyday. It still hurts, a lot. I still have pain from the accident, which is a constant physical reminder of what happened. There are good days and bad days. CYG just gave me the opportunity to recognize that the good ones were actually happening.

Benny’s Bunch 5K

We will be bundling up again this December and running/walking in the Greg Hill Foundation Jingle All the Way 5k. The event is December 13th at 10 AM in Sudbury. We walk/run in the freezing cold, then head to 29 Sudbury for some food and drink. The event is only $30 and there is no fundraising. It benefits the Greg Hill Foundation, who helps local families that have been touched by tragedy. Please consider joining us for this festive event!

Jingle All the Way 5k Registration

Political Rant

So, I’m a little behind in posting this, but it’s been a tough couple of weeks. I’m frustrated. Parker and I didn’t vote in the November election, we didn’t feel that we were educated enough to make a decision and quite honestly, after the year that we’ve had, it really didn’t feel important.

I’m sick to my stomach as I read that ACA might be repealed. All of a sudden, the fact that we SHOULD have voted is abundantly clear. I’m so tired of hearing about the people that take advantage of the system, don’t deserve it, blah blah blah. I get it, there are people that take advantage, that probably don’t deserve the help that they get. Here’s the thing, I do not enjoy being cast into that group.

I went on short term disability shortly after the accident because I needed to. I was a mess, I had a husband and daughter to think about and driving wasn’t even an option at that point. STD covered half of my health insurance benefits, so we were paying $600+ a month. In February, my LTD kicked in, and guess what, they don’t cover insurance AT ALL. For months we paid $1400 out of pocket to keep our health insurance. In April I was thrilled to finally get a letter saying that we had coverage under the ACA! I was able to drop the ridiculous insurance bills and breathe for a bit. We in turn have been paying for our therapy out of pocket because medicaid therapy options are very limited and we wanted to continue seeing our counselors. This was our decision, but believe me that we are paying handsomely for this.

I have worked my ass off since I was 19 and had a job and benefits to take care of my family. Now that we truly need help, the fact that this whole thing could blow up in our faces is gross. WE are the people that need help! My disability runs out on Weds. I am still not driving long distances, but there is so much BS tied into my policy and I’m done. I’m so tired of fighting.

So, this turned very political and I apologize. I am an independent and don’t vote on party lines and quite honestly I cannot stand politics. I’m so tired of the complaints from ‘One Side’ of the people who ‘deserve help.’ Screw them. I hope they never need it.

1 Year ‘AA’

I cannot believe that I’m even writing these words. I cannot even begin to wrap my head or my heart around the fact that I have lived a year without my son. They are words that I wish on no one, yet over the year I have met far too many other grieving moms.

So, one year. There are so many things that I could write about here, but I want to write about Bennett. I want to share him. I want the world to know the amazing little man that stole my heart.

He was only 17 months. It’s hard to write the word ‘only’ when you consider how large his personality was. This kid was all Fletcher, he was social, outgoing, engaging, flirty, he just had a presence. Benny would walk into a room and it was hard not to be drawn him. He was so charming and charismatic, he was like a gravitational force. I often feared for the poor ladies once he was older. At Parker’s Open House last year he was walking around and shaking people’s hands. Perhaps he would have been a politician.

Every parent says that their child is smart, but Benny truly was. We tried signing with him because it had worked so well with Darcy. For whatever reason, he would have none of it, and started talking, a lot. At 17 months he was already saying mama, dada, i love you, wash, that, cat, dog, Packard, no, more, yes, milk, San, Darce, Evie, Huntah, auntie, truck, car, I can keep going. His language and ability to communicate completely amazed me. He was already beginning to potty train because he wanted to be like his big sister. His motor skills were unmatched too. He was climbing slides (or pretty much anything I suppose) and for a boy, had a great amount of luck at not getting hurt. He had incredible balance and perception of what he was capable of. If he thought that it was too big of a risk, he typically wouldn’t take it. He had self preservation, which is saying a lot for a boy!

Benny was pretty even tempered, but when he got mad, watch out! He would throw the biggest fits, throwing him self on the floor and banging his head. It was rare when it happened, but when it did, he would go full boar. It was probably one of the funniest things that I have ever seen. The week of the accident, the kids were in the bathroom with Parker brushing their teeth. Darcy pushed him out of the way and went to get onto the step stool and turned and bit her in the stomach-it drew blood. He wasn’t one to be pushed around.

He loved his sister. Besides the biting incident, the two of them got along like nothing I’ve ever witnessed in siblings before. I think it was because Darcy is so Type A and Benny was very go with the flow. He was also her comedian. Whenever they were together she was usually laughing at his antics. They were yin and yang. Darcy loved to have blankets on the floor, Benny quickly began laying on them and Darcy would pull him around the house, laughing at him. He was crazy. She spent so much of her time with him hysterically laughing and he would just keep performing. They were perfectly matched.

He loved cars and anything mechanical. I would pick Benny up from Sandy’s at the end of the day and we would head over to Parker’s shop to pick up Darcy. Well, of course he would have to get out and either run around with tools or get in the cars. He spent hours in that shop observing and was already grabbing the shifter, turning the wheel and looking for the keys. He would get angry when I tried to pull him away from the cars. He had a love like his fathers.

He was very musically inclined. He loved to go into the basement and play the drums. Before the accident, Parker had spent some time working with him on some beats that he actually picked up. He was drawn to our organ and any of the kid pianos that we had. Music and dance was his thing.

He was my love. At night, he would go into his room and grab his blanket and paci and climb up into the rocker to read books. He would settle in so quickly and was such a cuddler. I miss the feel of him in my arms at night and his breath on my chest in the morning.

I miss him everyday. It hurts so much to know that he’s gone, but it hurts worse to forget him. I’m sure that there are a million other great memories and I invite anyone to share. He was one incredible dude and I was so lucky to have him.

Author: sheriroaf