May

When they first told me my due date with Benny, I was terrified that he would be born on the day that my mom died those 15 years earlier.  His due date was May 18th and my mom died on May 25th.  It just all seemed so wrong.

As luck would have it, he was born on May 17, exactly 1 day before his due date, just like his sister.  The question is, how do I navigate May now?  With all of these awful reminders about the people that I love that are gone?  Over the last few years I have finally made it through May in ok spirits, what the hell do I do now?  I feel as if I’m navigating through a minefield.

As luck would have it too, several family and friends celebrate birthdays in May.  What do I have left to celebrate?  Everything that has been taken from me?

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6 Months ‘AA’

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I don’t know what to say.  I’m unsure how we’ve made it this far, keeping busy I suppose.  I still cannot wrap my head around any of it and it’s been 6 months.  I mean, I was there, he was in my arms and I still cannot believe that it has happened.

I’m not sure if it’s better or worse having Darcy around.  She’s been having such a tough time since February, we’ve been so focused on her.  Kinda puts our grief on the back burner.  I wish I could just give into it, but I can’t because she needs me so much.  The most independent little girl needs me.  I’m not sure if it scares me or makes me feel better.

We buried Benny on the 8th, just Parker and I.  It was exactly 6 months since the accident and he was born on a Thursday, it seemed fitting.  I think we were worse off leading up to it.  I felt very at peace when we did it, he has his little headstone or ‘Benny statue’ as Darcy calls it. It says ‘Captain Crazy.’ It’s weird to see his name, to actually put his remains in the ground, but we did it. He had his ‘bop’ (his paci), his tick tick from Mike and a little car.  We sat on the running board of the Packard (of course Benny’s last ride was in style) and talked.  We talked about Benny, about his memorial on his birthday, and we talked to him.  We said good-bye.  It made it real for me, which has been hard.  I don’t want to visit my son in a cemetery.  It’s all just so unfair.

We brought Darcy there for Mother’s day.  She did good, liked the idea of decorating for Benny, bringing him flowers and toys.  We brought him a truck and a ball.  There was a mason jar there with Daisies and sunflowers.  I’m not sure if they were for Benny or his neighbor, but regardless it was fitting.  Another sign, but this time from my Mom, Benny and of course Mason.  Darcy wanted me to read to her the names of all Benny’s neighbors, or new ‘heaven friends’.  It kills me that a 5 year old has to even know about a baby cemetery.  Again, so unfair.

I barely survived my first Mother’s Day.  It’s already a tough day because mom is gone, but now Benny too.  How much can one person take?  When Darcy was born I was finally beginning to enjoy it again, but then started to miss mom unbearably.  I feel like so much had already been taken from me, why Benny too?  I don’t get it.

A switch flipped today.  I finally started crying again, really giving in.  It’s all too real and the numbness seems to be wearing off.  I cannot believe that he will would be 2 on Saturday.  He only had one birthday to celebrate.  It’s so unbearable to think about.  I want him back, I want to be planning his second birthday instead of a Memorial.  I hate this.  I hate this.  I hate this.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow we bury Benny.  It’s been 6 months since we said good-bye and I’m still not ready for this.  This act makes it real, forces me to face reality and really deal with the fact that the accident did happen.  It just doesn’t seem right.

It will just be Parker and I.  Darcy is too young to grasp the concept of cremation.  It will just be us to say good-bye, as it was just us to say hello when he was first born.

I didn’t think it was possible to hurt anymore.  I didn’t think it was possible to cry anymore.  I want him back.  I want to hold his hand in mine and walk along the wall at Darcy’s school.  I want to see him in my rearview mirror while driving.  I want to hold him close and read books at night.  I want to run my fingers through his curls and kiss his hair.  I want to rough house with him and hear that laugh, see that mischievous smile.  I want him back.

Lemonade

I went out on Saturday night and had fun, real fun. I really laughed, I drank, I danced, I actually enjoyed myself. It was the first time in 6 months where I actually felt a shred of happiness.

Sure, from the outside it seems like I’m ok, that I’m holding it together. I’m numb, I’m busy, I’m putting this whole thing off. I don’t want to feel this awfulness, this empty sick feeling, so I pretend like it’s all ok. I think I do it so that maybe I will convince myself that it is true. I just keep making lemonade and I have to be honest, I’m sick of fucking lemonade!!

My friend lost her cousin tonight. Her cousin has twin baby girls that she spent such a small time of her life being able to love. I actually wrote to her that ‘no one should ever lose their mother or their child.’ Then I read what I wrote and realized I was talking about myself. I am only 34 and I have already lost two of the most important people in my life. This wasn’t supposed to happen again to me, I already had my tragic story. It all just seems so unfair and futile.

Forever Young

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“Forever Young” – Bob Dylan

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

Benny will be forever young, he’ll always be just 17 months…

Rock

I was out walking with my neighbor today and we were talking about mine and Parker’s relationship.  She said to me that if anyone can pull through this, that Parker and I can.  Our therapist said we were both in a similar family situation, that has forced us to become the people that we are today, and that we are not the type that fall apart in a crisis.

I knew that when I married Parker that I was getting an independent, motivated man that loved me unconditionally and would do anything for me.  I never expected that we would be dealt the hand we got, I guess no one ever expects to loose their child.  The statistics on divorce after child loss are extremely high.  I get it, no two people  grieve the same way.  Some fall apart, some can hold it together, some just can’t deal with their spouses strength/weakness.

That first night, I saw the look on Parker’s face as reality began to set in, I will tell you I was terrified.  I thought that I had lost my Parker too.  I was thinking to myself that once again I would have to pick up the pieces of my family’s life and move us forward, alone.  That didn’t happen though.  I have not been alone one minute in my grief, Parker has stood beside me.  He has loved me on the days when I wanted to lie around and do nothing and on the days when I’m neurotic and want to tackle everything in sight.  My marriage has never been stronger and we have never been closer.

I took a lot of things for granted before the accident.  I was a hard worker at DPM, a good mother at home, but there never seemed much time left for Parker.  We were always busy, taken along by the demands of everyday life and the kids needs.  Yet when I needed  him he didn’t fall apart, he became my rock, which I am so unaccustomed to having in my life.  Parker took over and took care of me.  I don’t like to be out of control, but it felt good to not have to be on top of everything for once.

I’m one of the lucky ones.  I think deep down I always knew it, but I have a good, solid, loving husband in mine and Darcy’s life.  Could I have survived this without Parker?  Perhaps, I’m a survivor, not a victim.  I know that I wouldn’t feel this ok though.  I wouldn’t be able to smile and love with my whole self if it wasn’t for that man.  I’ve spent my whole life trying to survive and he came along and saved me.  Thank you babe.

5 Months ‘AA’

0312131828How has it been 5 months? It feels as if time has stopped for us, yet I see the seasons progressing. How have other people gone on with their lives, grown older? It just doesn’t make sense.

I look at Parker and wonder how we got here. How on earth have we survived 5 months without Benny? Where do we go from here? So many questions and never any answers.

We’re going to bury him in a month, just Parker and me. I don’t know how I’m going to survive that day. It makes it real, like this actually did happen to us. It’s easy to go about every day just avoiding it. Much easier than actually dealing with it.

I try so hard to keep it together. I’m so scared to let go, to really feel all of it, I feel as if it will swallow me up. It kills me to answer Darcy’s questions. How do you explain to your child that you weren’t able to save their brother? You spend a lifetime telling them you love them and you won’t let anything happen to them. A lifetime of kissing boo boos and saying it will all be ok. At the end of the day I failed. I couldn’t save him. My own child died in my arms and there wasn’t a fucking thing that I could do to change that. How do I explain that to Darcy?

What I would give for a do over. I would love to just click ‘undo’ and have the chance to fix this. Fix my broken life, my broken heart. I feel as if everything has gotten small, my life has gotten small. I drive, but I don’t drive far, especially not alone. I don’t enjoy being outside, it’s almost an agoraphobic feeling. I have no interest in the warmer weather, could care less. I would be happy in 10′ of snow right now, it would cover it all up, cover up where the accident happened so I wouldn’t have to look at it everyday.

I want to fix Darcy’s broken heart. I want this to have never touched her. I want to hear her and Benny tearing around the house, their shrieks and laughter making it hard to think. God I miss it. He brought so much joy and craziness into our lives. I miss the chaos. I miss Darcy’s happiness. It has been the hardest thing to watch grief through her eyes. No child should ever have to go through this.

5 months. Usually the passage of time is a positive thing. Not here, not now. Every day that passes is another day longer that I haven’t seen his smile, or heard his laughter. Every day that passes I lose another part of my little guy. God this sucks.