death of toddler – Page 8 – Sunshine, Angels and Rainbows

Grieving Siblings

I am by no means an expert on this topic. I naively thought that Darcy was doing extremely well, until it all fell apart last February. All it took was one night away from Parker and I and the bottom fell out. She was extra clingy, acting out and night terrors had begun again.

How on Earth does a 5 year old process the death of her brother? How does she process someone close to her picking her up from school, bringing her home to see my car surrounded by police, ambulance and fire and no family around? How does she process that individual falling apart on her when she needed him most? Not getting any answers, but knowing something is terribly wrong. Darcy asks me a lot of questions about that day, but really hasn’t talked too much about what she through beyond coming home and saying that the police were nice to her.

Darcy saw the adjustment counselor at school twice in the beginning, which Parker and I were thinking was enough. She seemed to be adjusting ok. My cousin was on my case to set her up with her own counselor and after the holidays we did do that, although I had no idea what to expect. The first meeting was awful, Darcy wanted no part of it. I think a part of her sensed something was off. The second meeting went well and she warmed up to her therapist Annie and very shortly became the loving, playful person that we know, singing, dancing and playing through her sessions.

At first, I thought, ok, there’s very little going on here. We played, I enjoyed seeing Darcy interact and I figured, at least we tried. Then I talked to Annie one on one. She noticed that Darcy was constantly playing with cars, reenacting car accidents, ambulances and police coming to the scene. I had’t really even noticed, she always played with cars with her brother, so to me it was no different. She was trying to make sense of it all.

Annie started to push Darcy to talk about Benny. At first she would remain tight lipped and wanted nothing to do with it. To Darcy it was easier to not talk about him at all. This was hard for Parker and I. Darcy started to ask us to stop crying, she was done with it all. Annie pushed her a little more each session and in about 8 months, she was bringing in pictures and drawing her family album including Benny. She had truly opened up and begun to share with Annie. I found that she looked forward to our meetings with Annie. Over the summer when she started doing really well, we had gone from seeing Annie from once a week to two times a month. Darcy was missing her time with Annie desperately. Annie worked for us, she worked for Darcy.

The other day she came home from school with a paper she wrote about her family. She talked about all of our pets that have passed and how she loves her baby brother. That wouldn’t have happened a year ago.

Before I was born, one of my cousins died, he was hit by a car coming off of the bus. His older brother was there when it happened. This happened 40+ years ago. I sat at the table with my Uncle who said that he regretted not getting help for my surviving cousin. I think about how long ago everything happened to them and how different therapy was conceived. Because I was so young and never knew my cousin or their situation, I was surprised by how similar our stories were. I am also so hopeful because here they are today, decades later, surviving.

There’s no right or wrong way to grieve, period. When it comes to kids, I don’t know the the right way to handle things, I just know what worked for us. I consider us lucky to have people in our lives that pushed us to get Darcy the help that she needed. I owe my cousin Annie, who pushed us to get Darcy into counseling my peace of mind.

I think I’ve talked about this, but I’ll say it again that a close friend gave us the book ‘The Invisible String’. We read it at Benny’s memorial services and it speaks about our connection with close friends and family without being overly sad for kids. Recently we had our neighbors over and Darcy chose to read this story to them. It made me feel really good that she felt comfortable reading this story that’s so closely intertwined with her brother’s services. There are a few additional books that I will also recommend below. I will add more as I find them.

For the Kids:
Invisible String

My Yellow Balloon

For the Adults:
The Boy on the Green Bicycle

Children Are Not Paper Dolls

Benny’s Bunch

What started out last year as a ‘last minute 5k’ for the Greg Hill Foundation has grown into something else. To quote my friend Erin, “Amazing how less than two years old and he has the power to gather the masses. An incredible day to honor and cherish Benny.”

This year we had over 50 people walking/running last Saturday, it was incredible! We were easily the largest team to participate in the event. Watching the sea of Benny shirts on the route was inspiring. To know that this many people turned out to support our little guy and our family. We had folks traveling from CT and NH just to walk with us. There was so much love in that crowd.

Santa was there as well as cookies, candy and carolers to keep us moving. This year it was a balmy 35 out, so we didn’t freeze! Afterwards we went over to 29 Sudbury to carb up great food and free beer while we listened to the live entertainment and watched the kiddos run around.

People sent in donations for us to drop off as well and we were able to turn over an additional $120 to the foundation. It was an incredible day and an incredible feeling to be surrounded by that much love. Thank you once again Benny’s Bunchers!! Thank you GHF for all that do to support local families and bring us some hope during our darkest hours!!

Sandy Hook

I remember when this happened, I cried. I had 2 nephews in school in CT and had no idea if they were safe. I was sad for days over children and teachers that I had never met. I kept saying ‘I can’t imagine how you survive something like this…’ It wasn’t a year later and Benny was gone.

No matter what side of the gun battle you’re on, the first few paragraphs written by this mother speak to me. They speak volumes about our life now. What the death of a sibling does to the other siblings. I can relate to a parent of Sandy Hook. It makes me so sad.

Sandy Hook Article – Please Read

Words

I’ve written a lot about the disappointments surrounding child loss and the stupid things that people say. There’s really nothing that anyone can say to make it better when your child dies. A year later, I can look back and tell you what people said that helped to make it bearable. These phrases have stuck with me.

“We WILL get you through this.”
“Benny was a lucky boy and I couldn’t have hoped for two better people to be his parents.”
“You are the best mom. I parented like you, I used to come home and tell my husband that you said to do something a certain way, so that’s what we did.”
“I lost my son too. You will survive this.”
“You will find a way to turn this around, you always do. You will turn this into something to help others.”

These words weren’t the typical platitudes, but spoken sincerely and from the heart. A year later and I haven’t forgotten.

I Said It

A week or so ago I had a doctors appointment. I was sitting down with the nurse and an intern to go through the normal ‘stuff’ and she and I were chatting. I had seen her at the doctor’s several times and we had always exchanged pleasantries.

She asked me how many children I had. My normal answer is to say that I have a daughter. This time I said that I have two and I held my breath to see where the conversation would go. She asked how old and I told her that Darcy had just turned six. I then took a deep breath and said that I had a son and that he had passed.

The intern kept doing what she was doing, completely unfazed, but the nurse stopped and looked at me. She asked if I had just said that my son had passed and I told her yes, he had. She looked at me and said she was sorry and I kept waiting for ‘the look.’ What happened next took me by complete surprise. She told me that she had lost one of her daughters 2 years ago. She was one of ‘us’, she got it. She talked about her daughter and I talked about Benny.

I wanted to give this woman a hug, she had just made the first time that I really told a stranger about Benny pretty damn easy. I was sad for her too though. Here was this woman that I had talked to several times, never knowing that she knew all too well my pain. We’re everywhere, moving forward through life, even though we don’t want to.

This moment brought me up short. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so alone. It was like the hospital all over again. Another stranger reaching out and making it ok for us. I truly believe that Benny was all over this too.

1 Year ‘AA’

I cannot believe that I’m even writing these words. I cannot even begin to wrap my head or my heart around the fact that I have lived a year without my son. They are words that I wish on no one, yet over the year I have met far too many other grieving moms.

So, one year. There are so many things that I could write about here, but I want to write about Bennett. I want to share him. I want the world to know the amazing little man that stole my heart.

He was only 17 months. It’s hard to write the word ‘only’ when you consider how large his personality was. This kid was all Fletcher, he was social, outgoing, engaging, flirty, he just had a presence. Benny would walk into a room and it was hard not to be drawn him. He was so charming and charismatic, he was like a gravitational force. I often feared for the poor ladies once he was older. At Parker’s Open House last year he was walking around and shaking people’s hands. Perhaps he would have been a politician.

Every parent says that their child is smart, but Benny truly was. We tried signing with him because it had worked so well with Darcy. For whatever reason, he would have none of it, and started talking, a lot. At 17 months he was already saying mama, dada, i love you, wash, that, cat, dog, Packard, no, more, yes, milk, San, Darce, Evie, Huntah, auntie, truck, car, I can keep going. His language and ability to communicate completely amazed me. He was already beginning to potty train because he wanted to be like his big sister. His motor skills were unmatched too. He was climbing slides (or pretty much anything I suppose) and for a boy, had a great amount of luck at not getting hurt. He had incredible balance and perception of what he was capable of. If he thought that it was too big of a risk, he typically wouldn’t take it. He had self preservation, which is saying a lot for a boy!

Benny was pretty even tempered, but when he got mad, watch out! He would throw the biggest fits, throwing him self on the floor and banging his head. It was rare when it happened, but when it did, he would go full boar. It was probably one of the funniest things that I have ever seen. The week of the accident, the kids were in the bathroom with Parker brushing their teeth. Darcy pushed him out of the way and went to get onto the step stool and turned and bit her in the stomach-it drew blood. He wasn’t one to be pushed around.

He loved his sister. Besides the biting incident, the two of them got along like nothing I’ve ever witnessed in siblings before. I think it was because Darcy is so Type A and Benny was very go with the flow. He was also her comedian. Whenever they were together she was usually laughing at his antics. They were yin and yang. Darcy loved to have blankets on the floor, Benny quickly began laying on them and Darcy would pull him around the house, laughing at him. He was crazy. She spent so much of her time with him hysterically laughing and he would just keep performing. They were perfectly matched.

He loved cars and anything mechanical. I would pick Benny up from Sandy’s at the end of the day and we would head over to Parker’s shop to pick up Darcy. Well, of course he would have to get out and either run around with tools or get in the cars. He spent hours in that shop observing and was already grabbing the shifter, turning the wheel and looking for the keys. He would get angry when I tried to pull him away from the cars. He had a love like his fathers.

He was very musically inclined. He loved to go into the basement and play the drums. Before the accident, Parker had spent some time working with him on some beats that he actually picked up. He was drawn to our organ and any of the kid pianos that we had. Music and dance was his thing.

He was my love. At night, he would go into his room and grab his blanket and paci and climb up into the rocker to read books. He would settle in so quickly and was such a cuddler. I miss the feel of him in my arms at night and his breath on my chest in the morning.

I miss him everyday. It hurts so much to know that he’s gone, but it hurts worse to forget him. I’m sure that there are a million other great memories and I invite anyone to share. He was one incredible dude and I was so lucky to have him.

Love

Sun

I’m trying, I truly am. It feels weird to post such an optimistic phrase during such a terrible week. First anniversary of Benny’s death.

How did we get here already? It seems like moments and decades combined into one. Has it really been a year since I held him? That seems almost impossible. It seems almost impossible that any of this has truly happened.

I remember this week a year ago. I remember going to a work dinner on Tuesday night and talking to the kiddos on the phone. It was the first time that Benny really talked to me on the phone, he really got it. He told me goodnight and that he loved me. I was so excited, as he had never done that before.

I remember spreading out in the basement with Darcy to work on her invitations for her birthday on Thursday night. There was mo way that we could do them upstairs because Benny would have gotten involved and glitter and 17 month olds just don’t mix.

I remember running to Old Navy on Friday morning to pick up some gifts for Darcy. Benny was flirting terribly with the girl behind us in line. There was so much Fletcher in that little body.

I remember going to the bouncy house place and habing a blast. It was mommy and Benny time. He was so rough, all boy.

And that’s where I’ll stop. I don’t forget what happened next, I never will. I remember that Benny lived. Right now, that’s all that matters.

Saturday is going to suck, there’s no way around it, we have to go through it. I’m going to try to focus on his life, not his death (if thats possible). I feel like we’re going into battle with the unknown. I suppose that’s what this whole first year has been about though. Battling the why’s and the how’s.

So I’m going to try very hard for sunshine. The shadows haven’t gotten me anywhere in the past. We have a lot of sunshine in our lives and we are surrounded by so much love that keeps us going. Thank you for that.

Our Last First

Yesterday was our last first. The last holiday that would be our first without Benny.

It was hard to see the little ones walking door to door as our big one raced around the neighborhood. Thank god for Lyla and her too big box. She needed a hand to hold to walk up the steps. We got to help a little one. Maybe that’s why it didn’t hurt so much.

It’s contagious when the kiddos are that excited. No matter how bad you feel, it’s hard not to get excited with them. It’s hard to stay sad.

We made it through a year of firsts. Where did the year go? How did we get back here so quickly? How did we keep going?!?!

I cannot believe it.

Day 30 – Intention

After the accident happened, I knew that I needed to do something, anything, in Benny’s name. While I’m still trying to vet exactly what that is, I intend to give of myself in honor of Benny’s life. He lived and even though it was short, he was here and he was mine. My intention is to try to better other grieving parents/childrens lives, be it though a non-profit or just simply reaching out. No one should have to bury a child alone.

I’ve been toying with the idea of starting up ‘Benny’s Bunnch’ as a parent/child grief resource. I know that there are groups out there such as Compassionate Friends, but I’m looking at something more than a grief group. I think back to the hospital sending us home with tons of paperwork with terrifying statistics. There was no follow up whatsoever and no guidance. We are just lucky that we have social workers in our family that were able to push us in the right direction. We got help almost immediately. I have met several other people on this journey that haven’t had this type of support and perhaps would have benefited from it. I haven’t yet figured out what form this should take or a time frame. I just know that I want to help others. This process is much easier when you don’t feel alone. I’ve been surrounded by other moms that have helped to guide me. It’s time to return the favor.