sheriroaf

Greg Hill Foundation

Tomorrow Tara and I head down to Foxwoods to be a part of the Greg Hill Foundation’s Celebrity Golf Tournament. I have no idea what to expect, but I’m so thankful to have Tara by my side for this adventure. Parker is traveling and it has been a tough couple of nights by myself.

Let me backtrack a little here, because I realize that I have left out a lot of information concerning the Greg Hill Foundation. After the accident occurred, two of our close friends contacted the Greg Hill Foundation which was started by a local DJ to respond to families in need or crisis. Sure, I had heard the on air fundraisers that they held and I remember listening after the Marathon Bombings as they raised a staggering amount of money. I never dreamed that they would be holding a fundraiser for my family.

Exactly a week after the accident, WAAF and the Greg Hill Foundation reached out to their listeners and asked for monetary donations to help my family. They would match the amount raised, up to a certain dollar amount. It was amazing listening to our name, our story on the radio station. One of Parker’s closest friends called to thank Greg and the listeners on our behalf. It was again proof that there are amazing people out there, strangers that were willing to move mountains to make our lives easier. We never asked for any of this, so it was truly humbling to be a part of. A week later, they dropped off a check for us.

In December, the Greg Hill Foundation held their first ever ‘Jingle All the Way 5K.’ It was a perfect opportunity for us to give back to the foundation that had helped us so much. We signed up, and then reached out to our friends, neighbors and family and before we knew it we had pulled together a team of 30+ amazing individuals, ‘Benny’s Bunch.’ It was bitter cold, about 8 degrees, but we walked/run/shivered along in memory of our dude. Darcy walked every single mile and didn’t complain once, she amazed us all. It was an amazing experience and a great way to try to give back to an organization that had done so much for us. The perfect way to pay tribute to Bennett so soon after his death.

In February, we were asked to join fellow beneficiaries in supporting the foundation in their ‘1,350 Days Celebration.’ I never expected to be sharing the stage with Marathon Bombing survivors. Their strength, humility and humor blew me away. That night was probably one of the most amazing nights of my life. We were in a room surrounded by people that had been through the worst possible moments in their life, yet they smiled, and laughed. There was so much love in that room, it reminded me of the 3 Day walk-on steroids! The one word that comes to mind is hope. Hope for the future, watching these people take what life had thrown at them and just do the best that they could with it. There weren’t any victims in that room, only survivors. It was very empowering.

I read my speech and by the end most of the folks in the room were in tears. So many people came up to us and just wanted to hug us and tell us how sorry they were, complete strangers. One of the Marathon bombing survivors wrote us a check to help out. A friend of Greg’s offered his condo in NH for us to use this summer. Again, complete strangers reaching out to offer us a chance to heal. I’m so accustomed to be jaded by life so watching as this whole thing unfolded, I was never so happy to be so wrong. The world is full of beautiful people doing beautiful things. Unfortunately, the news doesn’t cover that aspect, but trust me, it’s so true.

A few members of the Greg Hill Foundation signed up for the marathon and ran this past year as an homage to the survivors. Our friend Erin ran each mile for a different person. She ran mile 2 for Benny. We were waiting on the sidelines in our Benny’s Bunch shirts cheering the GHF team on. The energy of that day was so great and I’m so glad that Darcy again was able to witness someone she doesn’t know doing something amazing for her family. I want for her to grow up and see people as good.

So, onto tomorrow. I’m excited. I’m nervous. I cannot wait to be amongst these people again. To feel that kind of positive energy as everyone works together towards one collective goal-to raise money for people in the future that will need it. The link to the foundation is below should you want additional information or to make a donation.

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Come Sail Away

Seemed an appropriate song given our week. Heard it in a store earlier this week, and just read the lyrics for the first time. There’s so much significance here.

Parallels

I told my therapist today about what happened with the water main. She has told both Parker and I time and again that our situation is not normal, that most people don’t get signs like ours, or have these perfectly orchestrated situations. I agree wholeheartedly, we are truly lucky, blessed even. She was shocked when I told her about Wednesday night.

She is the one person that truly knows exactly what happened the day of the accident. Sure, I’ve talked to Parker about it and he was there before the ambulances, but she knows in pretty good detail what happened. So it was in talking to her today that we realized the parallels between the accident and what happened on November 8th. I was hoping to sleep tonight, but I suppose getting this off my chest was more important.

Seeing the road bubble up, almost come to life made sense to me. Watching the pavement split open and fall into the rushing water seemed logical. The water was washing all physical evidence of that day away for me, it was as if the Earth were cleansing herself. To look at the large gaping wound that was left I felt as if I was looking within myself. I was almost sad to see it filled in and covered up. It was as if the road looked as I have felt since November 8th.

Watching Parker run wildly from the Suburban down Bjorklund brought me back, except this time he wasn’t running to me. I was no longer the one in need. Standing on the corner and around our property and the church looking at the road was eerie. It was so significant, except this time I was on the other side, I was a spectator. Seeing caution tape around our property again, looking at photos in the news of our house and the church, the street, it brought it all back. This time we were on the other side. This wasn’t a catastrophe happening to us.

Running outside and seeing the street pulsing, it was if it was alive. I didn’t see anyone else, so I called 911. I was able to take charge of the situation and inform the authorities. I was able to try to help (I didn’t really do anything) our neighbor as the water started down his lawn. When the press descended upon our house again, I was able to kick them off our property. I might not have been nice about it, but it was what they deserved in my opinion after how they treated us the night my son died. As minute as these details may seem, I was actually able to do something. I didn’t feel helpless. It was almost cathartic. Here I am thrown into another emergency situation right outside my house, except this time, I wasn’t cast as the victim, I wasn’t helpless.

Looking at the situation again, I realized there was a lot more significance than just the physical damage. We made it through this event unscathed, even though it felt like we relived several of the same sights and emotions. I still cannot believe that any of this has truly happened.

Understand

The Down Side

I want to hit someone or something. The press have showed up to cover the water main break, fine. They feel that it is ok to set up their cameras on our property and walk on our lawn. It’s fine to shoot on private property. I am so enraged!! How dare they even think that they should be able to walk on someone’s property without permission! This probably wouldn’t have bothered me a year ago, but ever since the accident I hate the press.

So I keep asking them to leave, to shoot elsewhere. The DPW gentleman is telling me to calm down, but I really would love for him to walk in my shoes for a fucking day. There are 2 cops outside, none of them seeing an issue with reporters walking around someone’s house. Clearly 7 months is a lifetime to these ignorant people, but I REFUSE to make the presses job any easier. I’m tired of hearing, ‘they’re just doing their job.’ When they chase you down after you just said good-bye to your son at the hospital and you can’t even pull into your own driveway, then you can come talk to me. What happened to our rights? What happened to their humanity?

Redemption

Tonight during dessert I was walking into the living room when I heard what sounded like pouring rain from the playroom. When I looked out the window, there was a river flowing down Chester Street. Darcy and I ran outside and saw that there appeared to be a water main break on Chester Street right outside the front of our house. We watched as the water flowed down the hill and the road began to buckle in the center under the pressure. I called 911 and we waited.

Meanwhile, Parker was held up at work, one of the cars wouldn’t start, so he couldn’t get it back into the shop. I called him to warn him about what was going on and told him that he wouldn’t be able to get into the driveway. People kept driving up and down Chester Street, it was scary to watch.

By the time Parker was home, things had gotten a little out of control, the road was buckling, we could feel the water running below our property. Chester Street actually lifted and silt, rocks and sand began to wash down the road and the water began to flow onto our neighbors lawn and was headed for his foundation. Parker helped to create a temporary plywood dam with some of our neighbors and Darcy (who I had left in the yard to help) began to get hysterical. She kept saying that she wanted me, I’m sure the whole thing was a little scary for her. The police showed up and I stood there gaping. Here we were again. People crowded all around our street and the police blocking traffic. It was a lot to take in at first.

As time passed, the street and our driveway began to buckle considerably. A large section by the main break fell inward and the hole kept getting larger. It was kind of hard to ignore the fact that this was happening right outside of our home, right where the accident happened. It was hard to disregard the fact the street was destroyed from right up above where the accident occurred down past Bjorklund. I couldn’t overlook the fact that the base of our driveway had folded in upon itself, right where the car had hit us. I wasn’t able to ignore the fact the curb and the lawn where they brought Benny to give him CPR had washed away. It was gone, ruined, destroyed.

I just kept wondering, what are the chances? How is it possible that this had all just been washed away, vanished? It was like we were being given a clean slate, the ability to actually not have to look at the spot where he died on a daily basis. This to me, was a sign, I was sure of it. I hated the fact that the accident happened at all, but the fact that happened outside of our home made it that much worse. It was all gone, the physical landscape where it all occurred. I’m convinced that Benny had a hand in this. The fact that our neighbor’s daughter (who we’ve never met) happened to be wearing a Benny’s Bunch shirt when she came down the street on her bike to check things out isn’t lost on me.

There is a crew breaking away and removing the pavement outside of our house right now. There is something so healing about standing there and watching them take it all away. It is as if this water break washed away everything that happened. I wish it were that simple. At least I know the little guy is still up there still causing mischief.

http://www.telegram.com/article/20140618/NEWS/306189470/1116

Broken

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” ~Anne Lamott

Life Goes On

It’s getting in the way again. I’m too focused on bills, mortgages, insurance, I’ve buried myself in this pile of paperwork. Maybe it’s my escape, some place that I know I will be safe from the hurt. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just because we had a busy weekend and it’s a busy week.

Darcy had her dance recital on Sunday. She blew us away, she was amazing, not only as a dancer, but her stage presence was unreal. She has such poise and grace for such a small person. It made me cry to watch and wish that my mom and Bennett were here too. I wish that they could also watch her in awe and be as proud of her as we are. It’s so hard going to these things without them. I miss chasing Benny around everywhere we go. I ache for my daughter to be able to know her grandmother’s love. It’s so hard for me because I know how much Darcy is missing it out on.

We had several birthday parties. It’s weird going with only 1 child, singing happy birthday, watching all of the other children in your life growing older. We sang happy birthday and released balloons for Benny, but there were no candles, he didn’t get to make any wishes. I try to picture what he would be doing, what he would be saying. How tired I would be at the end of the day, but so content, because he was so full of life.

It keeps happening, days pass, weeks, months. He’s still gone and it’s still so unbelievable. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and they still happen even though he’s gone. It all just feels so hollow, so sad. I miss him.

More Sunflowers

I just found this mixed in with Benny’s stuff. My friend Erin’s girls painted these stones for us shortly after Benny passed. What I never noticed was that they had also painted one with a sunflower…more signs.

7 Months ‘AA’

How has another whole month crept by? Is it possible that we are into the second half of the year surrounding Benny’s death? I’m not quite sure how this happened.

We’ve been attending The Compassionate Friends meetings in Westminster going on our 3rd time now. The first time was so hard, I was so tensed up and stressed out about going that I ended up with a massive migraine for days afterwards. It gets easier once you get to know everyone and their stories. Parker and I actually talked this past week and it felt good to actually chime in a bit. It’s hard being amongst the youngest there. Most other folks children are older, they had more time with them. One of the mother’s actually said she felt sorry for us and another couple because we had such a small window with our boys.

When my mom died, it wasn’t like this. It hurt, believe me, it hurt like hell, but it didn’t knock me on my ass. It didn’t make it painful to breathe some days. I was back in school a week later, studying for finals. Maybe it was because I was younger. Maybe it was because I needed to get out of my house. Maybe it was because I watched her suffer and it was time. Maybe.

I’m functioning. I get up, most days after 10 because I just can’t sleep at night no matter how tired I am. I usually wake up to do Darcy’s hair, then fall back asleep. Parker gets her on the bus probably 4 days out of 5 a week. I’m hoping to get out of this habit this summer when she’s in camp. She’ll only be there for 4 weeks and it’s half days.

I have days when I want to conquer the world, pay my bills, deal with insurance, etc. I get so frustrated because it feels like there’s so much to do and so little time. Then the idea of that knocks me on my ass again. Reminds me to not get overbooked, overwhelmed. So I end up taking a day or two to breathe, then I stress because nothing has gotten done. This whole cycle starts again. It’s all so tiring.

My therapist tells me to not let my life ‘get small’ but I don’t really want to make it big. I’m not ready to deal with that yet. I enjoy the simplicity of my life now. The idea of stress sends me on edge.

7 months, can’t believe it. Darcy had a dance recital today and it was a really great day. Seems so wrong that we continue to live our lives with such a huge piece missing. Sigh.