death of toddler – Page 12 – Sunshine, Angels and Rainbows

Day 6 – Books

I have not been able to read any books on grieving or grief, or child loss. The thought of reading an edited version of peoples feelings just doesn’t appeal to me. Perhaps it makes it too real, puts my loss into a category that I’m not yet prepared to face.

I read blogs, lot’s of them. I’ve connected with many other moms that have walked in my shoes. I could spend days reading through how they have dealt with different situations. I have ‘met’ many other moms in my journey, women that bear the same scars as I. I have entered a community of women that have held my hand and understand what I am going through.

When I began blogging, it was a way for me to let things out, I had never intended to actually share any of it. When I finally did, it felt freeing. In those first days, I started to receive comments and likes from other moms. This opened my eyes to this whole group of women and men who were going through what we’ve been through. All of a sudden, I wasn’t alone in my anger, my sorrow. It was ‘ok’ to feel how I was feeling. It was amazing reading how eloquently others could put my feelings into words.

So, in the wake of Benny’s death, books are out. I’ve tried reading some novels just for fun, but I have a hard time focusing and most of the time I’m not able to finish them. Instead I spend hours reading through grief blogs, soaking up other’s experiences and advice. The connection that I feel to these people has helped me in so many ways. I honestly feel lucky to have this in my life, which is ironic, because if you asked me, I would say that luck left our lives a long time ago. Thank you to my fellow bloggers.

Day 5 – Journal

Dear Bennett,

Today was a busy day. We raked, painted, leaf blew, pressure washed. Darcy and I played Rummy, Legos and read books. We rode bikes at the church across the street. We went to the store. I’m exhausted. I should feel fulfilled after a day like today. I miss you. I miss the chaos that you brought into our lives. We would never have been able to do half of what we did today if you were here, and I wish that were the case. I hate this reality. I hate this ‘new normal.’ I hate a lot of things about this new life. Hate is where I’m comfortable, it’s much easier than sad.

Day 4 – Now

Continuing with my ‘Capture Your Grief’

Now, it’s hard to be honest with myself. Who have I become? Who is this person? I’m still out of work. I now have a 5 year old to juggle-Only a 5 year old. I only drive short distances. When I read, I usually cannot finish the book because I become distracted, or maybe I just don’t like endings. I don’t sleep at night, even though I’m exhausted. I’m terrified of meeting new people, scared of being asked how many children I have. I binge watch Netflix sometimes just to have something to do. People have disappeared, my social circle is small.

My life is small. I am small. I am broken. My after is filled with small family pictures and and an overwhelming feeling that I have make things ‘ok’ for everyone else.

My after is also filled with love and lot’s of it. Love and support that I never imagined possible. Complete strangers raised a lot of money for my family to make our lives easier. Friends reached out to everyone they knew and the community of Worcester surrounded us in their love. The Greg Hill Foundation raised money for us. We have become involved in their events. I have found so many grieving mothers that have opened their arms and hearts to me. I have learned that people are genuinely good. I saw the best side of humanity. I am able to make the best of any situation.

Day 3 – Before

One of the bloggers that I follow is participating in the ‘Capture Your Grief’ project. This seemed like a good challenge for me as October leads right up to what another blogger likes to call ‘Devastation Day’ (thank goodness for my fellow bloggers, giving me direction every day). I’m joining this 3 days in, so I’m a little behind.

Capture Your Grief

Today I’m supposed to capture my ‘before.’ I’ve often thought about how different I was before and how much I have changed. If I’m being honest, my life was crazy. Everyday I fought to spend enough time with my kiddos, get enough hours in at work, get enough hours of sleep and maybe see my husband somewhere in the middle of all that. There never seemed to be enough hours in my day, there was never ‘enough.’ I worked 30 hours, supported Parkers business, was a FT mom, fundraised for the 3 Day, loved reading, was a friend, a wife and sister. It was AMAZING!! I thrived on it! Yes, I did get burnt out, yes I did get overwhelmed, but it was me, it was how I thrived. I enjoyed a challenge and trying to juggle/problem solve is my forte. Chalk it up to my alcoholic parent upbringing, or perhaps losing my mom at a young age and having to fend for myself. For some reason, the more that I had on my plate, the more that I seemed to rise to the occasion.

I loved being a mom. I never anticipated how much it would change me and my priorities. I struggled so much with what was important-being home or going after what I wanted at work. I struggled with my identity. All of this aside, I loved being a mom. I loved the chaos of the kids, the constant noise and mess. The happiness, there was so much laughter. There was so much love.

A state of being, not a process

Couldn’t have said it better.

Zachary, Forever 21

Grief is not a process. It is a state of being. It is a permanent state of being. It is the new place I live day in and day out. I function as best as I can. Some days better than others. But I am continually in a state of grief. I can’t describe the pain of missing Zachary. I can’t make others feel how I feel. I can only express that I am trapped in this nightmare fighting through each and every moment, hoping for something better to come.

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Benny’s Bunch

Last year we participated in the ‘Jingle All the Way 5K’ for the Greg Hill Foundation. It was our way of giving back. We’re at it again this year, gearing up to walk/run in the sub zero temperatures to raise money for the foundation. If you want to join us, you can register at the link below.

http://www.thegreghillfoundation.org/events.htm

Kindness

I haven’t written a lot. I’ve been in a weird place. Things have happened that I’m not ready to talk about yet. Let’s just say that I’m done with the Universe…for the moment. We’re no longer friends.

But I digress, because today is a good day.

We have been blown away by the continued love and support of our friends and family. They have grieved alongside us and helped us to heal. They are missing Bennett as much as we are, yet they have continued to put us first. These people show up, hold our hands and hearts as we continue to muddle through this year. There has been so much love.

Today my heart is so filled with the love of people that were mere strangers before November 8th last year. These people stepped forward and made it their mission to put a smile back on our faces. They donated their time and resources to make our lives better in whatever way they could. We’re overwhelmed by their love.

Today is a good one, in a sea of loss. Today I am able to look at our lives and appreciate all that we have and smile. Thank you for that, all of you that made today possible.

Shattered

‘Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I’m shattered
I always turn the car around

All that I feel is the realness I’m faking
Taking my time but it’s time that I’m wasting
Always turn the car around’

Simple Man

We went to our first wedding since the accident in August. Weddings in general make me emotional, I’m a happy cryer. You get to witness two people pledging their life and love for one another surrounded by the support of friends and family, it doesn’t get much better.

It was a close friend’s wedding, Parker was the best man and I was doing the reading during the ceremony, so unfortunately I had to hold it together. It had been so long since I had felt so much love and happiness that I had forgotten what it felt like. It seemed like the perfect day.

Then it happened. I didn’t see it coming and I was completely taken aback, I felt as if someone had slapped me in the face. They did the mother son dance to ‘Simple Man.’ I tried very hard to hold it together, but I had to walk out of the reception. I tried to go to the bathroom to breathe, but ended up outside on a park bench sobbing. I don’t think that I’ve heard that song since the accident. It was heartbreaking. Here I was facing everything that I lost. Thank goodness for good friends that come find you when you fall apart on park benches and cry with you.

I try very hard not to dwell on what never will be. I’m afraid that if I do it will destroy me. I already feel that I’ve been robbed of my graduation, wedding, birth of my children without my mom. Rationally I know that Bennett will never grow up, but until that moment I hadn’t thought about the fact that he will never get married, he’ll never know that happiness. I’ll never get that mother son dance. Pieces of a life never lived.

10 Months ‘AA’

I don’t really know what to say. I cannot believe that it’s been 10 months. 10 months since I held him. 10 months since I kissed him. 10 months since I breathed in his little boy smell. 10 months since I’ve seen his smile. 10 months since I laughed at his antics. 10 months since I shook my head and secretly smiled when he was misbehaving. 10 months.

I have a lot of anger. I’m not really sure what or who I’m angry at, but I’m angry all the same. I’m angry that we have to live in a world without my son. I’m angry that Darcy doesn’t have a sibling. I’m angry that people have disappointed me. I’m angry that time keeps marching by, yet I’m still stuck here. I’m not sure where ‘here’ is though, some place between the past and the future. I couldn’t really call it the ‘present’ because I don’t always feel like I’m here. I just exist.

My therapist thinks I’m using my anger so that I don’t have to deal. I would agree. Being angry is so much easier though! It’s easier to write people off rather than deal with the fact that they have disappointed you. I enjoy how freeing it feels to have a good rant and let it all out. It keeps people away and leaves me less vulnerable. They can’t hurt me as much from farther away. I want to go back to my bubble, where there was never any judgment, just acceptance and support.

I don’t know where to go from here. The common theme seems to be that this is about everyone else and at some point it has to be about me. I have to own my emotions, no matter how awful they feel. I have to stop turning away from the hurt. I have to try to be me, but not the old me, that person no longer exists.

I think back to where we were a year ago and I have no idea how we got here. Sometimes it feels like I’m living someone else’s life. This wasn’t supposed to happen! We’re not supposed to be here! I want to yell this, but there’s no one to yell at. My wise friend Sue said it best the other day when she said that it’s amazing at how little control we have. Just one little thing can set something in motion that you can’t undo.

So here I am, scared to move forward and scared not to. Terrified of feeling empty. I miss my son.