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Ok, so I’m starting off this year’s ‘Capture Your Grief’ late.  I’m exhausted, having just walked 60+ miles in Philly and then hopped in the car to arrive home and deal with 2 kiddos alone in the middle of the night.  Parker is still down in Philly for some car stuff for the week.  If things seem disjointed, bitchy or all over the place, this week, you’ll kniw it’s because I’m holding down the fort alone this week.  But I digress.

This is supposed to be a photo exercise, but I found the topics lend themselves to writing as well.  When I’m done, I want to go back and see this years CYG against last years.  How have I grown?   Where do I seem stuck?  Grief is a process.

CYG-Day 1:  Sunrise

Day 1 is supposed to be a sunrise picture.  I never would have taken one before because I was not a morning person.  Over the last few weeks I’ve been carving out ‘me time’ early in the morning to get some training walks in.  I thought I would hate it, boy was I wrong!  I love being able to get outside and plan my day in my head before anyone else in the house is even awake.  I feel so spoiled having that time to myself first thing in the day.  I’m enjoying the fresh air and how it helps me to sleep better at night.  So, no, I do not have a sunrise picture per se, but more of a daily sunrise exercise/meditation to start my day off right.

CYG-Day 2:  Intention

This is a tough one for me to answer because there is always so much that I want to do and never enough time.  So here’s a list to try to simplify.  I intend to honor Bennett’s memory by:

-Continuing to work with The Greg Hill Foundation to raise money for other families affected by tragedy

-Loving my husband, even when I don’t want to (just trying to be honest here)

-Spending more time playing with my children and less time doing housework, using cell, etc.

-Continuing to talk about Bennett with family and friends

-Trying to be a more patient and kind person.  I’ve spent too much time caring what others think and sweating the small stuff.

Everyday I write a new post in my head.  If they could just invent something that could interpret my tjoughts to the written word, I would be so relieved.

There is much going on, so much happening.  I’ve forgotten how hectic life is with an infant.  I’ve forgotten how stressful it is to get Darcy out the door in the morning for school.  It’s time to sign up for dance and girl scouts and I just want it to all pause so that I can catch my breath.  I want to enjoy this time with the kids, but it’s been go, go, go.

I need the release that writing brings for me.  It’s akin to walking/training for the 3 Day.  My aunt once asked if I attended church and I told her that walking with my ladies was my church.  It bring me inner peace.  So does writing.

A month ago I committed to training for the 3 Day and eating healthy.  I have since started getting up early (perish the thought) abd walking 3 miles every morning.  I have so much more energy and I’m bone tired at the end of the day.  I’m sleeping!!  I’ve enjoyed cooking and baking with all of our fresh veges fron the garden.  I used to hate making dinner, now I could spend hours in the kitchen with Darcy whipping up our healthy creations.

Now I need to commit to writing again.  I need to get it all out of my head so that I can sift through and process what is happening.  To say that this has been a confusing road would be an understatement.  It’s a hard balance between joy and sorrow some days and trying to figure out what I am truly feeling.  Even as I type this with my perfect second son sighing besides me, I miss Bennett so much more.  The common theme now is ‘why can’t we have both boys?’  Parker and I say it all of the time.  It often feels like it was one or the other, as if we made a choice, as if we could, as if we would ever want to.

It feels so right, yet so wrong all at once.  It’s hard to put into words.  It’s as if Fletcher being here has confused things, sharpened the loss.  I remember when Darcy was born that I felt like I lost my mom all over again.  This feels similar.  I want him back so badly.

Benny was up to his old tricks when Fletchie was born. During the shift change at the hospital, around 6 AM, we had a new nurse. I instantly liked her.

She said that she had heard about Benny from the previous nurse (I had also put it in my birth plan because I wanted them to know what we were going through, considering the last time we were in a hospital was when he died) and she was so sorry. She also told me that her son passed when he was 10. I shouldn’t be surprised at this point that these people have been continually placed in our path, but I was. She also told me that she had gone on to have another child, a little girl after her son had passed. She was the first person I had met in the flesh that I knew would understand our situation and I felt so much better.

When Fletch was (finally) born, Parker lost it. I expected it, he cried when Benny was born too. He wanted his little boy as badly as I wanted my little girl with Darcy. I was oddly calm, having been going through all of these emotions for months now. I think it’s different for women anyway because we’re bonded with our babies before birth. I just remember our nurse coming over and hugging Parker and saying ‘I know’. And she did, she’s been where we were. It made it so much easier. Yet another nurse in our lives that made such a difference.

So we have this new little guy in our lives and it’s chaos again. I welcome it, no I thrive on it. I think I’m one of those people that just needs to be going, going, going. But my new chaos is much different than the old, much less stressful. I have all of these posts that I’ve wanted to share and just haven’t had the time or mindset to sit down and write. It’s hard to type with a baby stuck to your boob!

I’ve had 3 weeks to love this little guy. 3 weeks of complete bliss and joy. 3 weeks of learning when he’s hungry vs. gassy. 3 amazing weeks. I feel so lucky that he’s ours, that we were chosen to be his family. Not everyone gets a rainbow, so I know how extra special he is.

We are fortunate in that so many other people recognize how special he is, how much he means to us. These are the same people that have stood by us for the last 20 months, many of them new friends from our community. These people were strangers to us before November 8th and have since gone out of their way to help us through the hardest time in our lives. It takes a special person to be able to do that, it’s amazing to me how many there are in our lives. They have listened to me talk about Benny and have never become uncomfortable. They’ve allowed me to keep his memory alive. Their children have allowed Darcy to talk about her little brother. They are our ‘Benny’s Bunch’ and we are so thankful for these people.

With the good comes the bad though. The people that have disappeared, that cannot be apart of this. The ones that couldn’t be bothered to reach out after Fletch was born. Part of it is my fault with my Pollyanna hopes that everyone would be as excited as we were. Sadly, that’s not true. It’s hard for me to let go of people in my life because I know how tenuous it is and how quickly things can change. I cannot continue to carry around this anger though and at some point I need to move forward. It’s not going to happen overnight and I’m sure some part of me will still hope that maybe someday we can reconnect, but I know how unlikely that is. I’m sad and disappointed.

It’s hard to wrap my head around when we have had this community of strangers take us in and some of our closest friends can no longer be a part of our lives. I suppose it just speaks to strength in character. For every friend that has disappeared, at least 2 new ones have shown up. We’re truly lucky to have such an amazing community of new friends!

A Fletcher is one that makes arrows.  We named our Fletcher after my maiden name and Benny’s middle name, but I hadn’t given too much thought about the signifigance of the arrow until now.

It’s the new direction that our lives are taking.  I’ve forgotten how much love and joy my babies brought to my life over the last 19 months as I suffered with losing Benny.  We are truly blessed to have this new little man and I’m so in love.  He was born on June 23rd and came into this world screaming.  He kept screaming for the first hour of his life, inconsolable until dad started talking to him in the warmer.  He instantly recognized dads voice and calmed down.

With love comes grief as I look at this little guy who seems so familiar to me.  It’s hard because we keep calling him Benny out of habit, like any parent does with multiple children.  His personality is different in so many ways, yet so similar.

Of my 3, he is definitely the most needy, which is fine as I am needy for him too.  If I could hold him all day I would.  I’d forgotten about that bond, that deep mom/baby connection that happens.  It makes me miss Benny something so fierce while at the same time love this guy so much.  It’s a contradiction of emotions.

My arms may be full again, but there will always be a piece of my heart missing.