Category: Uncategorized

I just did something that I’ve needed to for months. I didn’t want to do it, even though I knew that I had to. It was my last piece of holding onto the old me and I’m so sad.

Most days I’m OK with the new me. She enjoys cooking and playing with Darcy, doing projects around the house and helping out Parker at work. She goes to yoga and takes naps and time for herself, her life from the outside is simple. Of course I know there is nothing simple about me now, but things are certainly less hectic.

I miss the part of me that did it all and loved it. That got up every morning, drove Benny to daycare and sat in traffic for over an hour just to get to a job she loved. There was nothing lazy about that version of me. I was driven.

I know what I can and cannot handle. I know my limits. Some part of me hopes that I see that piece again, that girl that was so driven in life. Sometimes I miss her. I miss the before. I miss my little man and all of the chaos.

I used to be OK with change and be able to roll with it. Now it terrifies me. I can’t go back. I won’t ever be ‘her’ again. Another death, another goodbye. Today I’m grieving for who I was and will never be again. I’m so very sad to let it go.

Memories of Us

Parker proposed to me with this song nearly 9 years ago. While he’s always been musically inclined, he learned to play guitar to propose to me. To say he played it beautifully, perfectly would be far from the truth, but that’s not our style anyway. I laughed at every flub and curse word that came out of his mouth and the moment was so perfectly ours.

I love how the song is a promise of a life of love. The lyrics meant so much to me back then, ‘I wanna honor your mother, I want to learn from your pa’. It was like the song was written for us. It was our first dance at our wedding.

I heard the song the other day and was shocked to listen to the lyrics now and how much they have truly illustrated our life. I felt like Parker kept every one of those promises that he made those 9 years ago. He has truly stood by me at my worst and held me up. He has made my life as easy as he could over the last 14 months. I’m still home while he has worked so hard for our family. I haven’t known what it’s like to be taken care of since my mom became sick all those years ago. I never let Parker take care of me before, I was far too independent and felt I had something to prove. Grief and trauma have changed me, it’s changed our marriage.

Hearing the song made me smile and cry. This wasn’t what we planned when we started out, no one ever expects something like this. I was sad for who we used to be. So many bad things have happened and so much has changed. As I thought about it though, one thing has stayed constant – us. I know it’s only been 14 months and we still have a long road ahead, but I’m hopeful.

‘We’ll follow the rainbow, wherever the four winds blow; there’ll be a new day, coming your way’.

I need to write, it’s been far too long. I can tell because sleep has become a problem again. I lay here and listen to Bailey sneeze, Toby wheeze and Parker snore. I’m so jealous of their easy rest.

I need to sleep, Darcy doesn’t have school tomorrow and I want to be able to enjoy that. I’ve really missed her being at school again. We had such a fun two weeks of playing Lego’s, reading, playing Wii, baking and painting nails. I truly loved every moment of it. I wish I could freeze time and keep her this way forever.

We have lot’s of change headed our way in 2015. After a year of trying to hold it all together, change scares me. It seems complicated, messy and scary. I used to be good at it. Now I just don’t know.

The other day I heard a song that really spoke to me. Tonight I was telling Parker about it and how much of an impression it left. I honestly thought the song was by One Direction, which is not typically my taste at all. It was ‘I Lived’ by One republic. Completely off base there.

I just spent the last few hours listening to YouTube of Onerepublic, completely baffled at the fact that not only did I know every song, but they were some of my favorites. I’ve been living under a rock.

Now, we don’t watch the news at all, we don’t even have cable over here, so we’re a little out of touch. It’s sometimes hard having conversations with others because we are so out of the loop. It’s like someone turned off all of the background and there are times when I am grateful. To not worry about politics, or war, or whatever jaded view of the world is happening has been peaceful.

I hadn’t really realized it, but I guess in some respects we’re still in ‘the bubble’. It’s the illusion of safety in here. It’s just us that we worry about and all of the noise goes away. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism.

That’s not to say that we’re completely in the dark over here. There are times when I go crazy for not knowing something big that happened, like Ferguson, or Sony. Maybe I just can’t handle too much, so I limit my exposure. Maybe I just don’t care anymore. Perspective is amazing.

In any case, I Lived is a beautiful song for children. It’s everything that I hope for Darcy. The fact that the video chronicles the life of a boy with CF just made me love the song that much more. No parent could say it any better. And even though Benny’s life was short, he definitely lived.

I Lived

I started the ‘Capture Your Grief’ journey after reading some fellow bloggers posts. I figured why not, the timing was right before our 1 year mark. All of the topics came from the Carly Marie Project Heal website. She put together a list of daily topics/pictures to share. Reading everyone else’s posts helped me to realize that we weren’t alone. The website is actually a really great resource for baby and child loss as well.

I feel like CYG gave me the opportunity to further define my future goals. I’ve been able to look at the help that we had following the accident and realize just how lucky we were. I’ve realized that there is truly a need in our community for parental support and it’s something that I’ve started looking into.

The journey had me writing about several topics that I have already explored and some I hadn’t even thought about yet. I hadn’t really stopped to ask myself where I was on my grief journey. I knew how many months it had been since Bennett died, but I hadn’t really stopped to look at where we were relative to a month, 2 months, 6 months ago. It honestly put a very positive spin on my life going into the 1 year anniversary. All of a sudden I was able to take a step back and really notice that we were doing ok, we were surviving.

Darcy has come full circle in her grief and has become so open to talking about her brother and her feelings. That’s not to say that she still doesn’t have her challenges, but she’s just in a much better place than last February. I couldn’t imagine my life without Parker by my side. He’s my rock and I truly need him in my life. Somehow taking a step back and being able to compare ‘today’s me’ to ‘6 months ago me’ was very empowering. I was able to see how much we have done as a family to try and heal.

This is not to say that we don’t miss Benny, everyday. It still hurts, a lot. I still have pain from the accident, which is a constant physical reminder of what happened. There are good days and bad days. CYG just gave me the opportunity to recognize that the good ones were actually happening.

We will be bundling up again this December and running/walking in the Greg Hill Foundation Jingle All the Way 5k. The event is December 13th at 10 AM in Sudbury. We walk/run in the freezing cold, then head to 29 Sudbury for some food and drink. The event is only $30 and there is no fundraising. It benefits the Greg Hill Foundation, who helps local families that have been touched by tragedy. Please consider joining us for this festive event!

Jingle All the Way 5k Registration

So, I’m a little behind in posting this, but it’s been a tough couple of weeks. I’m frustrated. Parker and I didn’t vote in the November election, we didn’t feel that we were educated enough to make a decision and quite honestly, after the year that we’ve had, it really didn’t feel important.

I’m sick to my stomach as I read that ACA might be repealed. All of a sudden, the fact that we SHOULD have voted is abundantly clear. I’m so tired of hearing about the people that take advantage of the system, don’t deserve it, blah blah blah. I get it, there are people that take advantage, that probably don’t deserve the help that they get. Here’s the thing, I do not enjoy being cast into that group.

I went on short term disability shortly after the accident because I needed to. I was a mess, I had a husband and daughter to think about and driving wasn’t even an option at that point. STD covered half of my health insurance benefits, so we were paying $600+ a month. In February, my LTD kicked in, and guess what, they don’t cover insurance AT ALL. For months we paid $1400 out of pocket to keep our health insurance. In April I was thrilled to finally get a letter saying that we had coverage under the ACA! I was able to drop the ridiculous insurance bills and breathe for a bit. We in turn have been paying for our therapy out of pocket because medicaid therapy options are very limited and we wanted to continue seeing our counselors. This was our decision, but believe me that we are paying handsomely for this.

I have worked my ass off since I was 19 and had a job and benefits to take care of my family. Now that we truly need help, the fact that this whole thing could blow up in our faces is gross. WE are the people that need help! My disability runs out on Weds. I am still not driving long distances, but there is so much BS tied into my policy and I’m done. I’m so tired of fighting.

So, this turned very political and I apologize. I am an independent and don’t vote on party lines and quite honestly I cannot stand politics. I’m so tired of the complaints from ‘One Side’ of the people who ‘deserve help.’ Screw them. I hope they never need it.